ALL OVER BUT THE WAITING

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All we can do now is wait.

My wife is now in the ninth month of her pregnancy, which I always thought meant it was time to give birth, but apparently actual pregnancies are 10 months, so she is at nine months but still four weeks away. I questioned my wife once about it. She told me just to accept it and move on.

I am ready for the child to be born, and I think she may even come a few weeks early. I have no sound reason as to why I think that. I just figured I’d look like a prophet or sorts if I pinned down the exact date.

If you ask my wife when the baby will be born, she will respond, "NEVER!!!! THIS CHILD WILL NEVER, EVER, EVER COME OUT!!! I SWEAR, SHE’S A TEEN-AGER NOW!!! WHY WON’T SHE COME OUT!?!?!?!?!? I AM TIRED OF WADDLING!"

OK, so she’s not that bad, but she is pretty much ready for the baby to be born. Sleep is but a memory now, as her belly has gotten so big that it is pretty much impossible to get comfortable. For all of you fellows out there, here’s a little experiment for you to experience the joys of pregnancy. Before you go to bed tonight, duct tape a 20-pound watermelon to your midsection. Also, occasionally have someone punch you at various parts of your body throughout the night. Safe bet you will not be the most pleasant trooper at work in the morning.

We have done all of the standard things for first-time parents. My wife signed us up for a child-birthing class, which I will admit I was not entirely excited about.

MY WIFE: We are going and that’s it.

ME: Well, I’ll go, but I won’t enjoy it.

MY WIFE: Do you think I care at this stage? I feel like I’ve got a 20-pound watermelon duct taped to me. Now grab the pillows and be quiet.

The main reason I didn’t want to go is because I thought the classes would be six nights of graphic descriptions of the female anatomy. Well, I was right. But there was also a lot of really cool things that offset some of that stuff that, quite frankly, will probably never have practical use. (I seriously doubt I will utter the phrase "Yes, Alex, I’ll take parts of the uterus for $400 please.") For example, I learned when it is time to drive my wife to the hospital. I may have seen too many movies, but I thought that my wife would be standing there in a puddle and say, "Honey, it’s time" and then a series of madcap misadventures would ensue, culminating with Robin Williams playing the wacky Hungarian obstetrician. Turns out, there are sometimes subtle signs to the onset of labor. Who knew low back pain could mean you were about to give birth!?!? My back has hurt for years. Perhaps I need to go see an obstetrician.

On the very last night of the class, a pediatrician came and showed us a slide show. The first picture was of the most beautiful baby you’ve ever seen. He then said, "Your baby will look nothing like this" and proceeded to show us pictures of newborns that were hairy, slimy, gooey, splotchy, bumpy, or had some other kind of funk going on. Although he assured us all of those things would go away, most of us sat there thinking, "Do you think my kid will look like that?" I guess there is a lab or something that manufactures the perfect babies, for use in baby product commercials and pediatrician slide shows. The rest of us have to make do with our alien babies.

In addition to the classes, much of our efforts have been focused on getting the nursery put together. It has the crib and the rocker and the swing and 346,000 stuffed animals that have apparently been mating while we weren’t looking, because I know I didn’t buy most of that stuff, and don’t remember it ever being brought into the house.

There is a lot of stuff in the nursery that is very foreign to me. I am a simple guy. I understand things that make music, things that have blinking lights, and those things with the pictures and the uh…waddya call it…words (Editor’s notes: They’re called books, genius.) But there is all kinds of stuff that just boggles my mind. I guess every guy goes through that when he looks at his wife and realizes that she is about to turn into the infant buffet. But who knew there were that many accessories!

In all, I couldn’t be more excited. I’ve got the house ready for everything, my wife is more than ready to give birth, and I will soon be a father. Everything is exactly where it should be. Except for the watermelon. I think I taped it a little high.