YOU’RE SIMPLY NOT THE BEST

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I thought I was doing my best.

I, like most of you out there, try my best at most every endeavor. True, there are a few less-than-energized people out there who do not give their best day in and day out, and those are the people who end up winning the lottery, so we should dislike them for multiple reasons.

Anyway, that said, it has come to my attention that I am not the best at most anything. You see, I picked up a copy of the Robb Report, a magazine for people better than you and me.

For 11 years, the Robb Report has printed their "Best of the Best" issue. As I perused the issue, I realized that not only am I not currently employing the uses of most of the best anything, it will be many moons before I can so much as consider a down payment on any of it. But the more I looked at it, the more I realized -- the Robb Report has missed some of the truly bests in this world (this world, of course, being my world).

So, let’s review some of the best, shall we? First off, let’s start with cars. The Robb Report hails the Porsche 911 as the best sports car. Where, I ask you, is a 1994 Honda Civic on that list? Absurd, I tell you. The fine (and might I add, every bit as sporty as the so-called "Porsche") has not only taken me over much of this great land, but it also survived both a Hurricane and lessons for my wife on how to drive a five speed. The Civic is not one of the most commonly stolen cars for nothing. (Editor’s note: The Civic is one of the most commonly stolen cars because there are more Honda Civics on the road than there are drivers.)

Next up, we have the best furniture maker. The Robb Report says that it is David Lindley. I have checked my frequently visited furniture stores and found nothing by this so-called David Lindley. If he’s so good, why won’t he attempt particle board entertainment centers?

The Robb Report says that the best suits are by Cesare Attolini. Well, that may be, but I’m guessing Cesare isn’t exactly giving his suits away. I own one suit, and you can bet that it’s not a Cesare Attolini. I only wear my suit when someone’s getting married or buried, so I don’t particularly feel up to dropping down the equivalent of several months pay on a new one.

The best digestif was Grand Marnier Cuvee Cent Cinquantenaire. I have no idea what this is, but I checked all of the cupboards in my house and am pretty sure I don’t have it.

As we move on to jewelers, I see that the best jeweler in the world is Damiani, the best jewelry designer is Henry Dunay, and the best jewelry house is Harry Winston. This shows that I am not exactly in the Robb Report’s target demographic, as I thought all three of those were one in the same. The only jewelry I wear is a watch, because my skills at checking the time through sun are not very effective, and a wedding ring, because my skills at explaining the absence of it to my wife are not very effective. So sorry, Damiani. I won’t be needing your services. I hope this doesn’t put you out of business.

There were two sections of the Best of the Best list where I did actually make the list. (Well, I didn’t make the list. Not really sure what category I would fall in. Best Candidate for Not Subscribing to the Robb Report, maybe?) Under the best casinos in the world, Caesars Palace was listed as the best. I am sure it is no small coincidence that I have been there. Perhaps it’s the inherent affluent sense I possess that drove me there. Perhaps it was the fact that Caesars Palace will let anyone in, assuming they’re (a) willing to gamble (b) clothed and (c) willing to gamble.

The second area where I am using the best is in the golf section. They list the best irons as Pings, which I carry in my golf bag. I think the reason I chose the Ping line of clubs is that those were the used clubs that the guy at the golf store had going for a pretty good price. Apparently, using the best type of irons is in no way related to the quality of golf you play.

So I’m not the Best, nor am I using the Best, according to the Robb Report, which sounds more like an economic report than a luxury magazine, but who am I to judge? I guess I’ll just keep plugging along in my inferior life with my inferior products. And I guess I’ll stop reading the Robb Report.