BACK TO SCHOOL

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It’s back to school time, and you know what that means – mid-morning margarita benders for all of the stay-at-home moms!

But it’s also a time for the children to gather their backpacks and head into the hallowed halls of the school of their designated government zoned choosing.

I remember with fondness the glory days of my youth, looking at wonder at all of the exciting and fantastic roller coasters that awaited me. Oh, wait. That was Six Flags. School was a bummer, as that meant summer was over, and I was going back to learn a bunch of things that I was positive I would never, ever put to practical use.

Fortunately, years of maturity (Wife’s note: Maturity? Is this the same guy who routinely sings Copa Cabana in the shower?) have brought me to an understanding of the practical uses of school. You may think you are learning just for the sake of learning, but, my friend, you are learning valuable life lessons, lessons so valuable that you may not even realize they are valuable, whatever that means. Let’s discuss a few of those things that you learned (or, if you are in school, will learn) and how they actually affect your real world, shall we?

1. Algebra. You think this is nonsense, right? Well, much of it is. Apparently engineers and maybe pilots or somebody like that apparently use this all the time. But the rest of us never have any use for it, right? Wrong. And how is this going to help, you ask. Simple – it can be used to figure out how many homeruns Sammy Sosa is on pace to hit. Very important stuff.
2. Great literature, such as Wuthering Heights, Great Expectations, and The Old Man and the Sea. Reading these help you really appreciate other books, such as Stephen King’s Hastily Thrown Together Horror Story or John Grisham’s The Idealistic Lawyer and the Racist Southern Town. As you finish a tome of one of these pop literature authors, you can say with confidence, "Wow, what an easy read! And not nearly as boring as Anna Karenina!"
3. Gym class. Let’s face it – none of us are going to be superstar athletes when we grow up. Real athletes are manufactured in labs. Many of them are part robots. There is no way that exerting a little effort in gym class is going to get you the starting center fielder job for the Yankees. But gym class teaches you an important lesson for corporate America, namely weaseling out of things. Gym teachers think that everyone should play always, even if you have to carry your freshly detached leg with you. If you can successfully sit out a game of kick ball because of a fabricated sore shoulder, you can easily get out of some important job related duties.
4. World history. You may think that the Maginot Line is about as important to you as it was to the French, but in reality, there is a very good reason to pay attention in history class. With the glut of television game shows out there, it is estimated that every American will appear on at least two game shows by the end of 2002. So, while you think you’re just spinning you wheels, you will thank me when, with total and complete confidence, you give your final answer of the Crimean War.
5. Spelling. Should we ever develop into a definitive class system, I think we should base it solely on spelling. Good spellers will get all of the perks. People who spell as if they have known English for only about seven minutes will be relegated to the lowest depths of the social ladder. If, due to some election mishap, I am accidentally elected president, you’ll want to make sure you can spell, as this is first on my aggenduh.
6. Biology class. One of the staples of high school biology class has always been dissecting animals. And this is a good thing. Not only does dissection of animals teach you about the inner-workings of animals – many of which are just like us – it also provides you with another valuable life lesson – the insides of living things are disgusting. This should weed out the squeamish right quickly, so only the strongest of stomachs are left to go on to become surgeons. Let’s face it, your doctor may have a steady hand and a keen eye, buy you really don’t want him leaving his sub sandwich in your chest cavity. (And you’re welcome for that lovely image.)

So there you have it. You see? School is important, and it can help build a better tomorrow for you and the nation. People may say we are lagging behind some other countries in education, but to those naysayers, I ask you this – do they even know who Sammy Sosa is? Your honor, the defense rests.