SHOE ME THE WAY

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It was a pretty straightforward shopping mission – go get new sneakers. For over four years, I have worn Nike Air Pegasus, a fine sneaker, chocked full of comfort. Plus, as a bonus, it does not look like it was designed by a hallucinating chimpanzee. There were no flashy colors, no blinking lights, no horns, nothing. Just nice white shoes with a subtle blue Swoosh. My kinda dull.

But the shoes had seen better days. This pair of Pegasus had begun to show the signs of aging. That’s a nice way of saying they looked like they had been passed through the digestive tract of a manatee. My wife...I mean, I decided I had to get new sneakers, lest the Board of Health step in.

I figured it would be a snap. I mean, how many bajillion pairs of sneakers do people purchase each and every day (as a whole, I mean; I’m not suggesting that each and every American has an Imelda Marcos-like sneaker obsession, but I guess you knew that)?

Anyway, I headed off to the store to get some shoes. I entered a sporting goods store and told the clerk that I would like a pair of Nike Air Pegasus, size 11-and-a-half. To go.

The clerk looked at me as if I had asked him for a flapper outfit. "Uh, they don’t make those any more, sir. Those are last year’s models." Needless to say, I stormed out of this store, refusing to be treated to these lies by some insolent little store clerk. Within about four hours, I had repeated this ritual with every store in town. Turns out the insolent little store clerk was also telling me the truth. The jerk.

Now, common sense dictates that I would have opted for a different style of shoe. Of course, if you know me, common sense dictates that that option would be far too sensible for me to follow. Instead, I went home and wrote a letter to Nike, expressing my concern, and asking for information on where I could purchase a pair of my beloved discontinued Air Pegasus. (Editor’s note: Gee, you think he was hoping for a big UPS box filled with sneakers?)

After weeks and weeks of waiting, I received a letter in the mail from Nike. Judging from the size of the envelope, it was pretty obvious that there were no Air Pegasus shoes inside. No, indeed, no shoes. Instead, there was a letter with a list of stores that sold Nike products. Wow, thanks for the help! They sell Nike products at Foot Locker and Rack Room? Really? No wonder I’ve had no success! I’ve been shopping at Radio Shack and Kroger for my shoes. You mean I won’t find them at Elmo’s Private Eye Investigation and Dog Training College? Thanks, Nike!

Eventually, I caved in and did what I probably should have done in the first place. I decided to settle for a new style of shoes, despite the fact that my Pegasus had been so faithful and loyal for a large chunk of the decade. I went out for another round with the shoe clerks. I think my first mistake was simply walking in to the shoe section to begin looking. What I should have done was walk in and ask the clerk, "Excuse me, where do keep your non-ugly shoes?"

I don’t know what has happened to sneakers during my Pegasus years, but these things look like Dali paintings. There was more neon in the sneaker aisle than the Vegas Strip. And, I’m sorry, but I’m just not that fancy of a guy. I need something plain and simple. I am happiest when I’m wearing jeans and a T-shirt. Safe bet that I don’t want sneakers with more color than Dennis Rodman’s hair.

I spent several hours searching for shoes. And, big surprise, I never did find what I was looking for. I tried on a couple pairs here and there, but none of them had that distinctive feel of my Air Pegasus. Granted, they probably didn’t have the distinctive smell, either, but that’s a whole different column.

At the end of the day, I was home, no new shoes, my ailing Air Pegasus looking up at me as if to say, "Boss, I’m gonna...cough...make it as long...cough...as I can...cough...but I don’t know...cough...hack...wheez...how much longer I can make it..."

My wife is becoming more and more insistent that I retire the Air Pegasus and bring on a new generation of sneaker. I know that soon I will have to venture back into the shoe stores and settle for something new, because I think it’s a matter of time before my current shoes simply disintegrate. I guess I’m holding out for the off chance that Nike decides to resurrect the Air Pegasus line of sneaker. I think my odds are about as good as the odds of my shoes lasting it another week.

E-mail me mwg1234@yahoo.com, especially if you know where I can get a size 11-and-a-half pair of Air Pegasus, preferably unused.