SHOP TILL YOU DROP

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Well, we’ve made it. We survived the raw capitalism meltdown known as the Christmas shopping season. I did more shopping than I care to this season (which means any shopping), and as I stood in line, I used my time to think of ways that we can make for a better shopping environment, if not a better planet.

So, I give to you the Mike Gibbons Guide to Shopping:

1. If you are shopping for a present on Christmas Eve, and you are standing in a line just slightly shorter than the Missouri River, there is no point in loudly exclaiming you dissatisfaction with the wait. Had you thought ahead, you would not be with the rest of us losers standing in line. Had you followed the stores’ cues and begun your Christmas shopping when they put up their decorations (mid-July), you would have been OK. But, no, you had to wait, and now you’re stuck in line, hoping to buy anything to put under the tree just so little Timmy can have a present ("Do you think he’ll like a variable speed mixer?"), so it’s your fault, so stop saying things like, "Could this line take any longer?" Everyone in line is thinking, "Well, if we all savagely turned on you and beat you unconscious with our Pokeman items, the line would be minus one person, so that may speed it up a smidge."

2. While standing in line, if there is a store display that houses items that make noise, do not, under any circumstance, test the toy out. I stood in line for around 30 minutes while a man continually pushed an Austin Powers toy. For 30 minutes, I heard the tinny sounds of "Yeah, Baby!" over and over and over. Had I been in line much longer, there was a real good chance that doctors were going to be performing their first every Austinpowersectomy.

3. Understand that clerks are just doing their jobs. Taking on an indignant air when a clerk asks to see your driver’s license isn’t necessary. This 17-year-old is getting about $6 an hour to put up with the likes of us, so don’t get mad at him for doing his job. Besides, should some unsavory character steal your checkbook, you may be glad when they ask to see ID. Oh, and to the gentleman in front of me a while back, if you have to ask, "Do you know who I am?" you’re probably not that important. Bust out the driver’s license.

4. Now that I’ve taken up for the clerks, time to slam ‘em a little. I understand that waiting on customers for 16 hours straight can get a little tedious, and the desire to make new friends can sometimes be overwhelming. In fact, I enjoy a little light conversation while in line. But this conversation should add no more than a nanosecond to the total time spent at checkout. Do all of the people in line a favor -- once the transaction is completed, immediately end the conversation with "Thank you, and have a nice day." "Come back and see us" is also acceptable.

5. When you are at the store, do not, under any circumstance, mosey. The last person to successfully mosey anywhere was John Wayne, and let’s not tarnish our memory of The Duke by spreading out across the mall and traveling the same speed as moss. Now, I’m not saying you should sprint through the stores, but there is no need to stroll along, browsing at everything -- displays, plants, blank walls -- in the middle of major thoroughfares. Keeping this up may cause someone who has shopped entirely too much that day to do his best Earl Campbell impersonation.

6. Remember that children are going to act up, especially in public, and smacking them across the face is not something that should be done, especially in front of me. Look, I’m not going to tell you how to raise your kids. But I can say with great certainty that there is not a child on this planet who doesn’t go through a store picking at ever single item within his reach. To scream to a child, "I TOLD YOU NOT TO TOUCH ANYTHING" and then slap the child across the face is unacceptable. You’re the one who’s frustrated. If you have to take out your frustrations, do it on the folks who are moseying, not the kid who wants to touch something.

Well, that’s about all the wisdom I have to impart today. Sorry I couldn’t go on, but I’m pretty much tuckered out from shopping. So thank you, and have a nice day. Or come back and see us. It’s your call.