ARE YOU A SLOB?
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Are you a slob? Recently, this question arose in my household when one member of the family was discussing another member of the family’s bathroom. So, I decided to find out exactly what a slob is. As you can see from the following quiz, I have done extensive research that will surely yield only the most accurate scientific results.
1. When you are undressing for the evening, you
a) place your clothes in the corresponding laundry hampers, separating whites and colors
b) pile your clothes in the corner, knowing you will want them all in one place come laundry day
c) often cannot stand very well, and end up sleeping in your clothes
2. The bathtub needs cleaning
a) after each shower
b) at least once a week
c) No it doesn’t.
3. After eating take-out pizza, the box should be
a) placed in the recycling bin
b) set by the trash so it can be taken out with the garbage
c) stacked on the Leaning Tower of Pizza, which you are pretty sure is going to get you into Guinness.
4. When the dogs come inside, they
a) are not allowed on the furniture
b) must first have their paws wiped clean
c) often bring presents, such as possums.
5. When sweeping, if you come across an ice cube on the floor, you should
a) stop and pick it up, because sweeping it around will only cause more of a mess
b) go ahead and sweep it into the dustpan, but try and remember to wipe up the water later
c) check the freezer to see how the ice trays are doing; this cube could be your last chance to chill your beer.
6. In your closet, you will find
a) clothes neatly organized, and hanging clothes separated seasonally
b) pants on one side, shirts on another
c) Donald, a child you somewhat remember giving birth to a few years back and who you’re pretty sure you told NOT to go snooping for Christmas presents in your closet around 1984.
7. Deep in the heart of your refrigerator, you will find
a) nothing that is past the expiration date
b) maybe some jars of mayonnaise or ketchup
c) a jar of Newman’s Own salad dressing, with a movie promo for his upcoming film, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.
8. Laundry day is
a) every Sunday
b) every other Sunday
c) perhaps a holiday in Canada?
9. If company is coming over, they
a) will not see a speck of dust anywhere
b) will notice the floor is recently vacuumed
c) may end up sitting on a pile of newspapers or an old broken down truck that, somehow, stalled in your living room a few years back.
10. Every morning, after you get ready for work, you
a) make your bed
b) pull the covers back on top of the bed, bringing some order to your room
c) realize that you don’t have a job and strip down to your socks and underwear and go sit on a milk crate and eat Beefaroni out of the can while watching Jerry Springer.
If you answered A to each of these questions, you are an uptight person, but your house is immaculate, and you are definitely not a slob. (Granted, your uptight nature will also make you completely unlovable, so you will most likely live a lonely life by yourself, so you might want to reassess some things.)
If you answered B to each of the questions, you are like most people. You make a decent effort to clean things, and at least make sure your house does not resemble the Alamo after the battle when company comes over.
If you answered C to each of the questions, you are a slob, and possibly an alcoholic. You need to get off your duff, find a job, clean your house, and wipe the Spaghetti Os sauce off of your Panama Jack T-shirt and make something of yourself.
If you answered a combination to these, well, um, you’re, uh, schizophrenic. Seek professional help before you hurt someone, possibly one of your other personalities.
In case you’re wondering how my wife or I scored on the quiz, I assure you, the results were exactly what we expected. And please call before coming over.