COUNTDOWN TO THE PHANTOM MENACE

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Well, here we are, a mere eight days until the biggest cultural event since the last big cultural event.

For those of you who have no contact with the outside world, I am referring, of course, to the release of The Phantom Menace, the prequel to the Star Wars trilogy. First off, let me state that, so far as I can tell, George Lucas should be given credit for the creation of the word "prequel."

Now, that said, I have decided that I will spend the next two columns guiding you through the confusing path and the mystical world that is Star Wars.

First off, let’s discuss the fans. A lot of people think that Star Wars fans are Trekkies with light sabers. This couldn’t be further from the truth. For one thing, no self respecting Star Wars fan would ever worship a character with pointy ears unless he was short and green (the character, not the fan). Second, when is the last time Star Trek had anyone as remotely cool as Han Solo or Boba Fett? Never, that’s when. Finally, when is the last time people camped out weeks before a Star Trek movie to get tickets? The answer -- I have no clue, but I’m guessing it’s never.

Like most people my age, I was a Star Wars fan as a child. My friends and I used to play Star Wars in our back yards, having blaster wars and light saber fights for hours on end. Oh, the memories of 1998. Unfortunately, because I was blond, I always had to be Luke Skywalker, who, just between you and me, always seemed to be a bit of a whiner. Plus he had a crush on his sister. Having three sisters, this really disturbed me.

OK, so we’ve got that out of the way. It’s time to get you up to speed on the movies. For starters, let’s recap the first three movies, which are actually the fourth through seventh movies if you’re going chronologically. The second and third movies are neatly tucked away in George Lucas’ head.

In Star Wars, the beautiful yet sadly coifed Princess Leia is trying to save her people from Darth Vader, whose voice was also in Field of Dreams. To do this, she must find Obi-Wan Kenobi, played by Old Ben Kenobi. Obi, Luke Skywalker and two droids go to a bar and pick up Han Solo and Chewbacca, who are smugglers. (For the record, when I say, they pick them up, I don’t mean in the contemporary sense. I mean they hired them as pilots. Get your mind out of the gutter.) Chewbacca is an 8-foot wookie. From the official Star Wars website, I learned he is 200 years old. Just thought you should know.

So the gang decides they should blow up Darth Vader’s Death Star, a space station that is designed to blow up little planets for sport. They are successful in this, mainly because Luke feels The Force, a spiritual guidance that lets him hear dead people talk. The Force guides Luke to blast the Death Star into countless tiny pieces, and everything is all hunky-dorry, until....

The Empire Strikes Back. Darth Vader is understandably upset by the whole blowing up the Death Star thing. For one thing, his collection of matchbooks from around the galaxy was housed there. He decides that he will channel his anger in the healthy manner known as "Tracking down your enemies and trying to take over the universe, and blowing lots of things up along the way."

Luke decides he should hone up on his Jedi skills, so he heads to a swamp where Yoda, a little green man played by Pat Morita, lives. Yoda teaches Luke a few tricks of the Jedi trade ("Never, ever lick your lightsaber"). However, Luke rushes off from his training prior to completion, not having gone through commencement exercises, which ticks Yoda off, who goes on a six-day whiskey binge.

Luke rushes off to Cloud City, where Han and the gang have been double-crossed by Billy Dee Williams, played by Lando Calrissian. Darth Vader decides it will be fun to deep freeze Han Solo and give him to Jabba the Hutt, who is played by Meatloaf. Meanwhile, he drops the big bomb on Luke, telling them that he is his father, and inviting him to join the dark side. Think of it as an evil father-son picnic. Luke doesn’t like this idea, and, as kids will do, shows his rebellion to his father by letting his dad lop his hand off, which is not a problem because they give him a new one later on. We find that all hope is not gone, as we learn of the...

Return of the Jedi. Long story short -- Luke becomes a Jedi, Darth Vader kills the evil emperor, Han gets unfrozen, and Ewoks paw at Carrie Fisher. Good wins, bad loses. Case closed. (Perhaps you can tell I am still angered over the reduced screen time for Chewbacca in ROTJ. It is a clear case of Wookieism.)

So, on May 19, we get to find out what started this whole mess. The story is set 30 years before Star Wars, when Anakin, who will grow up to be Darth Vader, is but a lad and doesn’t choke people for fun. Obi Wan is a young man, and Yoda...well, Yoda’s still little and green. But Samuel L. Jackson is in the film, and you know that if there is a tough Jedi, it’s Jules Winnfield. Like millions of others, I am eagerly awaiting the movie. I hope that it lives up to the hype. And I hope it’s been worth camping out in this line.

Next week, I will answer all of your questions regarding Star Wars. Ask me anything you want to know, as I have well-placed sources who will make up all kinds of answers. If you have questions, e-mail them to me at mwg1234@yahoo.com. If you don’t, well, I’ll make them up and say they’re from you.