WE’RE ONLY A DAY AWAY

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After receiving a flood of e-mails from all of you Star Wars fanatics out there, I have had a difficult time sifting through which of your questions to print. (Translation: Doesn’t anyone out there have e-mail and a question about Star Wars for me?)

So, without further ado, here are the questions and answers regarding the upcoming Star Wars prequel, The Phantom Menace.

Is it true that The Phantom Menace has received less-than-stellar reviews by critics? Gail Stanwyk, Los Angeles, CA

Yes, Gail, it is true. But that shouldn’t upset you. Instead, you should view it as great news, as movie critics are the single worst group of people to take movie advice from. To prove this point, here are some movies that critics got nearly incontinent over: The English Patient, Boxing Helena, and countless movies starring Emma Thompson. These movies are some of the most boring movies anyone has ever had to endure. However, take a look at some of the movies critics have said are no good: Ghostbusters, Caddyshack and Fletch, three of the greatest movies of all time. So, as you see, movie critics live in Opposite Land. If they say a movie is bad, go out immediately and see it. If they say it is good, threaten with bodily harm anyone who suggests you go see it.

Are you really going to see one of the first public showings of the movie? Carl Spackler, Bushwood, NY

Yes, Carl, I am. At 12:15 a.m., I will be surrounded by other Star Wars fanatics. However, there will be one difference between me and them -- I will not have spent a week’s vacation camping out for the tickets. Instead, a friend of mine, while purchasing tickets to a different movie, managed to pick up a handful of tickets, all the while those other folks sat in their tents and tried to talk like Yoda. Suckers.

Since George Lucas has made many of the characters via computer generation, is there a possibility that movies will move away from live actors? Dana Barrett, New York, NY

Let’s hope so, Dana. The fact that Jean Claude Van Damme and Pauly Shore continuously get work shows that the acting pool has been picked clean. This trend could save Hollywood.

Do you know any secret plot details that will ruin the movie for me? Harry Tasker, Washington, DC

Yes, I do, because I made the major mistake of actually reading an article about the movie. The person who wrote the article decided it would be great fun to let everyone know a major plot detail without warning. I’m not going to do that to you, however. I will give you this tiny little hint -- remember The Crying Game? Enough said.

Is the 12-minute pod race scene really scripted after the chariot race in Ben-Hur? Mary Jensen Matthews, Miami, FL

No idea. I’ve heard that, too. But, since I’ve never seen Ben-Hur, I wouldn’t be very good judge now, would I? Other movies that I haven’t seen yet people say are great include Schindler’s List, It’s a Wonderful Life and The Sound of Music. Just thought you should know.

Do you think TPM will shatter all of the box office records set by Titanic? Dallas Winston, Tulsa, OK

Yes. In fact, I am so sure of this, that I will make you this deal: If TPM does not surpass Titanic’s records, I will sit down and watch the boat sink, all 36 hours of it. Yes, I am one of the few people left on the planet who has not seen James Cameron’s epic love story involving one of the 20th Century’s most annoying people, Leo. But, should George Lucas not break the records, I will finally watch the sinking boat movie. But I will not -- I repeat, will not -- enjoy it.

Can The Phantom Menace live up to the hype? Brian Johnson, Shermer, IL

No. Nothing can live up to the hype TPM has received, unless, during the movie, there is the Second Coming. Otherwise, the movie will be deemed a letdown by many. Those people, however, will be wrong, as the movie will not be a letdown, but instead a cinematic achievement. At least it better be.

Do you think anyone who reads this column will notice your little tribute to some of your favorite movies? Edwinna McDonnough, Valley of the Sun, Arizona

Probably not.

E-mail me at mwg1234@yahoo.com, especially if you’re curious as to what that last question meant.