MAKING A STATEMENT FOR AMERICA

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We Americans just love making a statement, don’t we? Whether it’s building a giant skyscraper, launching a space rocket, or bombing some third world country into the stone ages, we love a good show. We broadcast our wars on television, for crying out loud!

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, "Couple extra cups of coffee this morning, Mike?" But bear with me. I started thinking about how much we love to make a statement out of anything, when I was sitting down paying bills.

As has become my routine, I sit down about once a month for some quiet time with my checkbook, calculator, and a stack of bills the size of Patrick Ewing. Usually, I know that the due date on the bills are coming close when my wife repeatedly utters the phrase, "Does the word ‘repossession’ mean anything to you? Hey, Charles Schwab, I’d like to have a house next week. Snap to!"

So there I was, toiling away in the depths of my debt when I began to look at my checks, and I asked myself, "Why did I pay good money for these checks?" I’ll tell you why: Because I’m American, and I love making a statement. That, and they had dogs playing poker on them.

That’s right, in a moment of weakness, my wife caved in and let me order checks with pictures of dogs playing poker. Perhaps she got tired of being awakened every morning with, "Honey, time to get up...and buy dogs playing poker checks." Giving in was the easiest way to shut me up.

All my life I have tried to get checks that made a statement, whether it was a reflection of my art knowledge, checks showing my allegiance to the University of Alabama, or that unfortunate little phase I went through that I simply refer to as The Roseanne Years.

But then, as the bill-writing drill continued, I noticed that there was a part of this process that did not make a statement, did not show my individuality, or have dogs engaged in card games. As I sealed each envelope and reached for a stamp, I noticed that each of the stamps had a nice wavy American flag on it.

Now, before you get all riled up, hear me out. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with the Stars and Stripes. But I just don’t like the fact that, in this instance, the flag of the greatest country in the world stands for paying off a Lerner account. (Editor’s note: Mike does not shop at Lerner. Mike does not wear women’s clothes. Mike does not even like to go near Lerner. Mike’s wife, however, being a woman, is magnetically drawn to Lerner. Mike is sending Mr. Lerner’s kids to college.)

The American flag should stand for freedom, for independence, and for the start of a baseball game. Not bills. And that’s why we should expand our statement-making affinity to stamps. Why soil all that the American flag stands for by attaching it to a bill? If my history-class memory serves me well, we would be more suited to have a stamp sporting a Union Jack for sending in bills. That’ll show those Tories at Visa!

But we could go well beyond that. We could think of all kinds of unpleasant things to send to bill collectors. Perhaps a nude picture of Ted Kennedy. But you get the idea. It’s unpleasant to send, so it should be unpleasant to receive.

But it doesn’t have to stop at paying bills, nosirree. Plenty of people have to send lots and lots of checks that they don’t want to write. I’m sure that scads of parents who are sending allowances to children in college would love to make a statement, say with a picture of the unemployment line, as an incentive to give it that old college try!

And what about those pesky little alimony checks? I’m sure there are plenty of folks who would like to add their own editorial assessment to that monthly check. Perhaps a close-up photo of a leech.

And, of course, should the alimony not come, a letter could be sent to the offending party, complete with a stamp picturing "Tito, your future cellmate, should you opt not to send the check."

So you see, the possibilities are endless! And they don’t have to all be negative, although I think you will agree that the negative ones are a lot more fun than the positive ones. After all, we have checks that say "love" on them. Where’s the "hate"?

Well, I’m glad we’ve had this little chat. Together, we can really make a difference and a statement, folks. I’m going to start right now, in fact, if I can just find those Ted Kennedy stamps.