HOW I SPENT MY SUMMER VACATION, PART I

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Today, we will begin a two-part series telling you all about my summer vacation.

I know it’s well past summer, but I had a lot to do and it took me a while to get around to the whole vacation thing.

For my vacation, my wife and I discussed numerous exotic ports of call. Ultimately, however, we went with her decision, which was to go to visit her parents. "Yes, dear, that IS where I would like to go as well," I said with no hint of sarcasm.

OK, truth be told, I actually enjoy going to visit her folks. They live in Florida, and their house is located, conveniently, right near a jet ski, which I will get into later.

But first, we had to actually get there. And, as it is whenever I drive somewhere, I came up with numerous travel tips, most designed to help maintain my already waning sanity. Among those:

1. Put down the sandwich. Put down the cell phone. Put down the crossword puzzle. And just drive.

2. There is a strange little function on your car, usually right there on the dash, called the speedometer. Ideally, you want the little needle to stay in the same spot while traveling down the interstate. I don’t mind passing people, but it starts to get old when I pass someone, and then they pass me, and then they slow down, and I have to pass them again, and we play this game of bungee-car all the way to Montgomery, Ala.

3. If you are in advertising, and someone asks you to do a billboard for them, please remember to make the type larger than a Lego. Also, make sure there are not enough words to fill a book chapter up there. In a recent study, it was determined that 64 percent of all interstate accidents were caused by people straining to read a billboard.

4. When you opt for a rest stop, do not be Phil. We got to know Phil because Phil was in constant violation of rule #2, so we had ample opportunity to see his license plate, which read "Phil." When we stopped at the rest area, we noticed that Phil and his wife had stopped, too. Initially, I thought it might be to exchange words with me because I had spent the previous 60 or so miles sending some not-so-pleasant thoughts regarding Phil’s driving. Turns out that Mrs. Phil just needed to take a pit-stop. Mrs. Phil had been in line for a few minutes when Phil approached her and asked what was taking so long. Mrs. Phil said that there was a line, but that she really had to go. This resulted in the following conversation:

PHIL: Come on. I’m tired of waiting.

MRS. PHIL: But, I really have to...

PHIL: We’ll stop somewhere else.

MRS. PHIL: But...

PHIL: Nope, come on. Now, Mrs. Phil.

DIVORCE LAWYER: Here, Mrs. Phil. Take my card.

5. If you have a radio, go ahead and rip it from your car and throw it out the window. It will be no use to you. Apparently, I missed the memo released to the general public that said, "From now on, all songs played on the radio will exhibit all of the musical talent of a muskrat, and all talk radio hosts will be angry, older white men who are constantly warning the callers that the government is going to take your guns and make Muslim the official religion of public schools." My wife and I opted for a novel alternative to radio -- conversation. When we realized that art died around 1975, we went ahead and settled for Britney Spears singing a Frank Sinatra song, or something like that.

6. The car is a fantastic place to establish goals you have no intention of keeping. My wife and I recorded about six pages of things we were definitely going to get accomplished, when we know well and good that we have as much chance of completing our tasks as we do winning a Wimbledon doubles match. But it sure is fun to think that we are going to chronologically file all of our pay stubs since 1989.

Well, I guess that pretty much does it. Wow, quite a full vacation, and we’re not even at our destination yet! Well, fear not, good people, for we will get there next week, and I promise you rest and relaxation.

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK, WHEN WE ALL GO FISHING, WHEN WE ALL GET SORE FROM RIDING A JET SKI, AND WHEN WE ALL REALIZE THAT YOU CAN SURVIVE ON 17 HOURS OF SLEEP A DAY.