HOW I SPENT MY SUMMER VACATION

HOW I SPENT MY SUMMER VACATION, PART II

Last week, we started off down the long road toward vacation. And, because I’m a good guy, I felt it was only fair to bring you with me. No offense, but you really look like you could use a vacation. Are you getting enough sleep? I mean, the bags under your....never mind.

So we arrived in Florida Thursday night. I was looking forward to my usual routine when we go to her folks’ house. Traditionally, my schedule is like this:

8:00 a.m. Wake up. Realize it’s 8 a.m. Go back to sleep.

9:00 a.m. Realize wife is getting up, because she is being sent to kitchen patrol with Mom. Go back to sleep.

1:00 p.m. Wake up. Realize I may be pronounced dead if I don’t at least make an effort to get out of bed.

1:02 p.m. Begin nap on downstairs couch.

4:00 p.m. Wake up. Hope lunch has found its way to the coffee table.

4:30 p.m. Bedtime

So, in a nutshell, I turn into a major league bum. This time, however, would be a little bit different. For one thing, the neighbors across the street made the foolish mistake of leaving their jet ski at my inlaws’ house. Granted, my inlaws live 30 miles away from water, so all we could do is sit on it in the yard and rev the engine.

Kidding, of course! My inlaws live on a bay, so it was just a matter of prying myself off of the couch and strolling out back. This was the first time I had ever ridden a jet ski, and I have to tell you -- if you ever want someone to suffer, put them on one of these things. Oh, it was fun, sure. The thing goes about 45 mph, and when you hit a wave at that speed, you can create quite a little roller coaster ride. But if you plan on getting out of bed the next day, do not -- I repeat, DO NOT -- even look at a jet ski. They are fun, yes, but everything comes with a price. And when you are using every muscle in your body trying to hold on and not splat the water at 45 mph, you tend to develop some soreness. (By "some" I mean "every possible muscle in your body, and then a few more.")

As a bonus, a jet ski is a fantastic way to develop a rift between spouses. My wife did not like riding on the jet ski when I was driving. I could have sworn she was screaming in my ear, "I hear it sure is sweet if you don’t slow down!’ When we got back to shore, however, I found out she was saying, "I’ll kill you in your sleep if you don’t slow down!" Note to readers -- if you’re riding a jet ski, and my wife is on the back, travel at idle speed.

But the jet ski was only an excitement warm-up, because the next day, we were heading out for the manliest of manly endeavors -- deep sea fishing. We went out on the Charter Boat Enterprise, captained by, who else, Capt. Kirk. If you saw Kirk standing on the street, you would just assume he was a charter boat captain. He just has that look.

This was to be a guy adventure -- men, doing manly things, in manly places. The women were invited, but they laughed and laughed at this. "Why don’t you just force us to drink a quart of ipecac instead?" was the look we received. The women in my wife’s family are not exactly tied to the sea.

Our first order of business was to fish the waters about a mile off the shore. I, of course, caught the first fish, a Spanish mackerel that tipped the scales at about 220 pounds (Editor’s note: The state of Florida record for the largest Spanish mackerel is 12 pounds. You be the judge.) After reeling in a few more mackerel, we decided to head out into deeper waters to bottom fish. For those of you who are not experienced anglers, "bottom fishing" is a difficult and challenging style of fishing. Only the truly gifted fisherman can be successful. Kirk maneuvered his boat about nine miles off shore. Using fancy, high-tech state-of-the-art technology, Kirk said, "OK, drop your lines to the bottom." We stared at him, waiting for more instructions. "And then reel the fish up."

Turns out, we had parked the Enterprise right over a big school of red snapper and grouper. He knew this because, years ago, he, like many other fisherman, had created an artificial reef, meaning he had dropped an old car out in the ocean and knew that’s where the fish would be hanging out.

OK, so it was kind of cheating. But we had a blast reeling those suckers up. I caught several snappers, mostly in the 50-60 pounds (Editor’s note: 2-3) and a grouper that was pushing the 180 mark (Editor’s note: Need I continue?) In all, we caught about 15 fish, enough for several nights of food. After all, we are manly men, and we live off the land. Or the ocean. But you get my drift.

So that was my vacation. I hope you had a good time with me. If you have any ideas for our next vacation, I’d be happy to entertain them. You are paying this time, right?

E-mail you vacation suggestions to mwg1234@yahoo.com.