A TAXING WE WILL GO

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If there’s one thing in the world that I consider myself an expert on, it’s taxes. That, and the all-too short career of Emmanuel Lewis, but that’s another topic.

The main reason I am such a wealth of knowledge when it comes to ways of the tax world is because I pay very, very close attention to the contents I stuff into an envelope that I send to my uncle, who’s a CPA, each year, usually around April 23, after he’s filed an extension and left numerous voice mails for me saying things like, "Uh, Mike, are you gonna send that stuff, or should I go ahead and reserve your cell at Leavenworth?"

So, who better than me to swoop in superhero fashion and iron out these tax problems facing our nation faster than Hazel on speed?

Apparently, Congress and the president have locked horns on numerous tax issues, all involving these things no one really knows about, like capital gains taxes. Oh, sure, some of you claim to know what capital gains taxes are. But that just makes the Congressmen laugh even harder. There is no such thing as "capital gains." They made it up! While you and your accountant are debating the merits of capital gains tax, Congress is tapping another keg, trying to come up with new and even more distracting tax words. I can just here them say, "The Senator from Ohio suggests making up a new tax called the Bouillon Debasement Severance Penalty, and then lobbying against it. All in favor?"

Well let’s get started. Here’s your tax plan, President Clinton. The only use you’ll have for that veto pen is writing a hundred times, "I will always consult with Mike before making tax decisions."

TAX PROPOSAL ONE: Abolish the marriage penalty. Marriage is hard enough without the government making it even more of a strain. But, under my proposal, never, ever, ever should a man have to give up his poker nights AND have to pay additional taxes. Haven’t we been punished enough? From now on, every married man will receive two nights a month to play poker with the guy friends of his choice. And he gets to stay out until at least 11:30.

TAX PROPOSAL TWO: The new tax brackets will be as follows: Bill Gates and a couple of Sheiks will pay 95 percent of the taxes. I will pay nothing. You? Oh, I guess you can pick up the other 5 percent.

TAX PROPOSAL THREE: Any professional athlete doing any kind of interpretive dance after scoring a touchdown or hitting a homerun will be stripped of all non-vital organs, which will then be sold, with all proceeds going into the big tax kitty, the use of which will be discussed later.

TAX PROPOSAL FOUR: The lottery rules will change. I don’t mean the lottery itself. I’m all in favor of a tax on people with no grasp of statistics. I mean that, the next time someone wins $115 million, decides on a lump sum payment, and receives $39 million after taxes, no one is allowed to complain. And if one person says, "Can you believe how much the government took?" that person is required to match the lottery winnings and put it in the kitty.

TAX PROPOSAL FIVE: There will be a limit of one Julia Roberts movie released in theaters per month. While this technically has nothing to do with taxes, I think it’s a good time to address it. Julia, take a break. There are countless guys in the world who are sick and tired of enduring your movies, each and everyone dubbed the "best date movie of the year," week after week.

TAX PROPOSAL SIX: Taxes on the following products will be expressly forbidden -- beer, tickets to baseball games, speedboats, big dogs, and beef. Some taxes are just plain un-American.

TAX PROPOSAL SEVEN: The kitty. Remember when you were a kid and you expanded the rules of Monopoly to include the Free Parking place as the dumping ground for cash? Well, that’s what the kitty would be. We’re going to take a substantial chunk of change, much of it from the sale of Deion Sanders’ kidneys, and throw it in a pot. And every so often, some lucky citizen is going to roll the dice and land on Free Parking. How will we decide who gets it? No clue. But I’m fairly sure I will be the first to roll the lucky dice, assuming Clinton signs this column into law.

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