LET US GIVE THANKS

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As you can tell by the Christmas decorations that have covered every store on the planet, it’s nearly Thanksgiving!

And, since we are but a few days away from the oft-forgotten holiday, I thought I would take time today to share with you the things that I am thankful for.

I am thankful for my wife, who agreed that, when we got married, we should do it in the spring, as that would not conflict with college football. That alone was reason to marry her.

I am thankful for my parents, who gave me my dad’s old recliner, which is the single finest piece of furniture on the planet. Many a good nap has come courtesy of that chair.

I am thankful for Matt Groening, who created "The Simpsons," the single greatest show ever on television.

I am thankful for Bill Gates, because it’s nice to have something to bring the country together, even if it is sheer disdain and a paranoid fear that he’s reading your e-mail.

I am thankful that we are only a year away from the big election. There is nothing that screams democracy like ads accusing your opponent of sacrificing zebras in a bizarre cult ritual. We’ve got a year of free entertainment headed our way, folks!

I am thankful for Michael Jordan, because seeing old highlights of him always remind me why I no longer watch that street ball they call the NBA.

I am thankful for my cat, Delilah, because she is pure evil and ensures that no one will ever break into my house, unless they want to be shredded to ribbons by her.

I am thankful for chickens and cows, because they give us the two finest things that can be on your dinner table -- fried chicken and steaks. (Few people know that steaks actually come from chickens, and that fried chicken actually comes from cows. I’m here to teach.)

I am thankful for my dogs, Maggie and Montgomery, who think I am the single greatest person on the planet. I could start a nuclear war, and my dogs would still think I hung the moon. (Granted, if I started a nuclear war, they may show their appreciation by wagging their seven tails.)

I am thankful for the internet, because there is finally a device that allows people from all over the world to come together and download nude photos of Queen Elizabeth. Now that’s progress!

I am thankful for my iced tea maker, because I now drink about 900 glasses of tea per day because it makes the most delicious tea in the world.

I am thankful for my kidneys for the same reason.

I am thankful for my remote control, because it allows me to watch a show for no more than six seconds before switching to the next one, thus causing my wife to storm from the room and go watch television in another room of the house, lest I send her into seizures with my high speed flipping.

I am thankful that some people realize that the new millennium is still more than a year away, despite what some folks want you to believe.

I am thankful for NASCAR, because it hammers home the point that this is America, and anybody can make gobs of money, even if it is for turning left. If NASCAR drivers can be millionaires, we ALL can be millionaires.

I am thankful for my dependable car, because it has now gone five years without any major malfunctions, and I hope that it will read this, be flattered and decide to stay injury-free for another five years.

Finally, I am thankful for you, the kind readers, who come together each and every week to see what drivel I have churned out, as well as those who have sent me nice e-mails regarding various columns. (Although I am still not completely thrilled with the one who called me a parasite. I’m not sure where that person was going, but I get the sneaking suspicion that it was meant in a negative tone.)

So there you have it. I hope you will take time this week to give thanks for all that you have. Look around you and realize that life is full of little things that make it special. But don’t spend too much time. After all, it’s Christmas season, and you’ve got shopping to do.