VACATION, ALL I EVER WANTED

TODAY’S COLUMN IS THE FIRST IN A TWO-PART SERIES ABOUT MY VACATION. THINK OF IT THIS WAY -- IT COULD BE WORSE. I COULD MAKE YOU COME OVER FOR A SLIDE SHOW. THE WAY I SEE IT, YOU’RE GETTING OFF PRETTY EASY.

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Age 65 is a pretty important milestone, what with the discounts at Burger King and all. So, what better way to celebrate a 10 percent fast food discount than having the whole family travel down to the happiest place on earth for a shindig? When my father-in-law turned 65 recently, the whole family packed up the bags and headed to Orlando to toast the newest candidate for forced retirement.

But, before we reached Orlando, my wife and I decided we would do a little traveling of our own. (How else would I have stretched this into two columns?) Our plan was to travel to Savannah, GA on Wednesday and spend the day touring historic homes. On Thursday, we would make our way to Orlando, where we would see old friends and just cruise the sites of my old stomping ground. On Friday, we would hit Sea World, and then on Saturday we would bring the journey to its peak with a trip to the Magic Kingdom.

Our vacation officially began on Wednesday morning. We left the house around 10 a.m. After driving about 15 miles, we turned around and went back to the house to get the items my wife forgot and were back on our way out of town again around 10:45.

Soon, however, we were well on our way, cruising along towards our first destination. Since the interstate system has not reached much of South Carolina, it is necessary to travel on highways that are about as wide as the cul de sac I live on. This makes it especially fun when passing log trucks. There are lots and lots of log trucks on South Carolina highways. It is amazing to me there are any forests left in South Carolina. We should change the signs at the entrance to the state to read, "Welcome to South Carolina. Check out the trees while you still can! And look out for the log trucks!"

While traveling these roads, we saw many interesting sites, mostly involving cows and abandoned houses. However, one site still stands out in my mind. On the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, we saw a moving tribute to America, one that will always remind me of the things that makes this country great. There, on the side of the road, was a bright teal seven-foot replica of the Statue of Liberty, and instead of a torch she held a street light. I pulled the car over, much to my wife’s dismay, and told her that I had to get a picture of this patriotic lamppost. As I stood next to the statue, my arm around Lady Liberty, my wife said the words that I will now always associate with freedom: "Honey, there’s a goat chained up to that thing." And she was right. About five feet away was a goat -- a rather large goat -- its chain running around the base of the lamppost. I saw some serious irony in being chained up to a Statue of Liberty replica.

Soon, we were back on the road. We arrived in Savannah and began to look for our hotel. We had made reservations at a national chain. This particular location advertised itself as being in the "heart of historic Savannah." Unbeknownst to my wife and me, the heart of historic Savannah is about a block away from several prominent crack distribution centers.

Since we were only going to be there for one evening, we figured we would go ahead and tough it out and perhaps pick up some souvenirs, perhaps ones that read, "My friends went to Savannah and all I got was this lousy crack vial."

We decided that we would go on a tour of one of the historic homes. Savannah is chock full of historic homes. I don’t think anyone actually lives in Savannah. Sure, plenty of people did around 100 years ago, but they’ve all moved (or I guess maybe died), and their homes have been turned into little mini-museums that you can tour. We went on a tour of the home of Andrew Lowe, a man who made his name by being involved in a bunch of stuff I can’t remember and also by being the father-in-law of the woman who founded the Girl Scouts, although I’m fairly sure he didn’t set out to achieve the latter.

On the tour, we had a guide who can best be described as having recently missed several medication doses. While she seemed very knowledgeable of the era and the house itself, she seemed to have a difficult time articulating some of those thoughts. It was as if she had this mass pool of information to choose from and was randomly pulling our phrases and stringing them together:

"Here you can see the lovely silver goblets that were used and playing the upright piano. They were often set out when in this antique bathtub. And over there, you can see the bed where Robert E. Lee conducted her knitting classes."

But, we got the gist of the house, which to me seemed that they hadn’t updated a thing in over a century. Soon, we were worn out (there’s just so much house touring I can take before I have got to take a nap) and opted to return to our hotel and turn in for the evening. After all, it was nearly 6 p.m., and we didn’t want to be out after dark in that neighborhood.

NEXT WEEK, WE’LL TRAVEL TO ORLANDO, WHERE WE WILL HANG OUT WITH KILLER WHALES, NOT-SO-KILLER MANATEES, AND GET IN TROUBLE AT MICKEY MOUSE’S HOUSE. M-I-C...SEE YOU NEXT WEEK...

VACATION: PART 2

LAST WEEK, MIKE AND HIS WIFE HIT SAVANNAH. NEXT STOP -- ORLANDO, HOME OF BOYCOTTWORLD! THIS WEEK -- WE ARRIVE AT OUR FINAL PORT OF CALL AND TEST DISNEY SECURITY TO BOOT.

Well, a week has past since we last spoke. Since that time, you’ve missed a lot of the story. In a nutshell, we’re in Orlando now.

Although my wife and I were staying at a Disney resort, we decided to go to Sea World on Friday. I am fairly sure this is against Disney law, so we made sure not to tell anyone where we were going. ("Us? Uh, we’re just going out to look at other sites around Orlando and remark how unwholesome and non-family oriented they are.")

Sea World, as most of you know, is a theme park with lots of sea life (duh) and some rides to boot. It is the home of Shamu, a killer whale who, despite having the option of eating any and all of the trainers, opts instead to let them surf on his back. Personally, I think there’s just so much of that a killer whale can take until he’s digesting wet suits.

The big attraction, however, is not any of the animals. The big lure is that the park is owned by Anheuser-Busch, and they give away free beer. If you want to get people in the doors, offer free beer. They’ll come in droves. (One note: I’m not suggesting this for everywhere. I don’t think junior highs should start having Michelob Day as a way to boost attendance or anything.)

We also saw manatees in an exhibit that was called "Manatees -- the Last Generation?" I think a more appropriate title would have been "Manatees -- These Could Be Blobs of Jell-o and You Wouldn’t Know."

In addition to these things, we also saw penguins playing, fed stingrays, and got to witness a traumatic childhood memory in the making. A little boy, probably no older than three, was at the dolphin tank. He had a fish that he was holding over the tank, hoping to feed one of the dolphins. (For the record, they sell the fish. The kid wasn’t smuggling in herring or anything.) However, as he peered out over the tank, hoping for a dolphin to swim up, a great white egret, easily taller than the boy, swooped down and snatched the fish from his little hands. Before the bird had swallowed the fish, this kid was wailing at a decibel level comparable to an Iron Maiden concert. In about 15 years, when you hear about a kid sitting atop a bell tower picking people off with a high-powered rifle, all the while screaming, "Take that, egret!" you’ll know who it is.

After Sea World, it was time for the Magic Kingdom. (Well, not right after. We did go home and sleep.) Since I once lived in Orlando, I have been to the Magic Kingdom four or five times, each time with people my own age. This time, however, would be different. I would be attending, instead, with a two- and three-year-old, with only eight adults to supervise. (The children are nieces. We didn’t just grab a couple of kids and Shanghai them to the park.)

I found out that there are lots of parts of Disney World I never knew existed. One of these areas is called Mickey’s Toontown Fair. Back when I was a kid, the characters used to stroll around Magic Kingdom. Apparently, some of them got a little rowdy or something, because they are now all confined to Mickey’s Toontown Fair. We took the two little ones there to meet whatever characters may be cruising around in their giant, creepy costumes. We saw the Seven Dwarfs and Snow White (who, just between you and me, was giving me the eye), and saw the houses of several well known Disney creations. In fact, we even went on a tour of the house king rodent himself, Mickey.

It turns out the tour through Mickey’s house is a fancy queue line that you go through in order to get your picture taken with Mickey. As we milled through the house, I learned several interesting facts, such as Mickey enjoys golf, Mickey cooks pizza, and Mickey has an alarm system.

I found out the last little tidbit when I leaned over a railing to see what was playing on Mickey’s television. I never found out, because once I got a little over the railing, I heard this incredibly loud "Whooop! Whooop! Whooop!" I was waiting for the Disney Gestapo to storm from their hidden sniper nests and take me to Disney jail. They never did, but I’m guessing security cameras were focused on me for the remainder of the day.

The rest of the Disney visit was without incident. I was certainly worn out, because, as I found out, a three-year-old gets really heavy after about six hours on your shoulders. But a good time was had by all, and it was all well worth it. I’m sure I’ll head back to the Magic Kingdom at some point, and maybe find out if Minnie’s house is as well protected as Mickey’s.