SURVIVING BIG BROTHER

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I‘ll admit it – I’m hooked. I have gotten in touch with my inner-voyeur, and am solidly hooked on both Survivor and Big Brother.

For those of you who still think Regis is some kind of a big shot, Survivor and Big Brother are two hot new shows on the unhippest of all networks, CBS. It’s the equivalent of MTV airing a Bridge tournament.

On Survivor, 16 people are stranded on a deserted island for 39 days, with nothing but their wits to survive. And, to make things interesting, every three days, the castaways hold a tribal council, where they vote one member off of the island. Think Lord of the Flies meets a sorority.

As for Big Brother, all of your Orwellian fears are realized, as they stick 10 people in a house for three months. There are over 60 cameras covering their every move. And, unlike those free-range Real Worlders, these folks are completely cut off from the outside world, including their families and friends – no newspapers, no phone calls, no Anna Kournikova website visits.

Now, having said that I think these two shows are probably the greatest thing to come along since democracy, I am not foolish enough to think there’s no room for improvement. So, today, I’m going to offer up a few suggestions that I’m sure CBS will pay me handsomely for. First, Survivor improvements:

    1. During the physical competitions, the teams should have to stage at least one fight to the death. For one thing, this would remove the need to have to vote people off, which seems like it really takes its toll on Jenna.
    2. Each day, an additional wild animal should be set lose on the island. Should the castaways be able to catch and kill the animals, they would have a dandy snack! Granted, I’m not sure if they would know how to prepare crocodile, tiger, and rabid dog.
    3. No more clothes. I’m sick and tired of seeing these kids pampered with their shoes and bathing suits. Under my new rule change, each castaway will be fitted with a handsome potato sack, and coconuts for shoes. Let’s see how fast they run through the jungle now.
    4. Host Jeff Probst will be replaced by Mike Tyson. Get out of line, lose an ear.
    5. Each day, a former Baywatch castmember would run down the beach, just to make sure no one is drowning.

 

Now, as for Big Brother, the show is relatively new, so we can make changes before most anyone notices:

    1. First, we will add an 11th roommate. The surprise? Our new roommate will be "borrowed" from the criminally insane wing of the Nevada State Prison.
    2. Currently, the group has a confessional, where they can go and vent about their housemates or just let their feelings flow in private. Under the new changes, these will be broadcast throughout the house, so any comment you make about your companions could very well come back to haunt you in your sleep.
    3. Use incorrect grammar, get a healthy electric shock.
    4. As it is now, the roommates are presented on occasion with a cryptic puzzle they must figure out. However, with my new change, there will be far more at stake than building a clock. For example, imagine their surprise when they decode the message that reads, "What would you do if you found out you were being constantly exposed to radon?"
    5. We will test the limits of their minds by constantly blaring music during their stay. It would be interesting to see what would happen to someone who, for three months, was exposed to Van Halen’s Panama at 120 decibels.

I think these changes will provide even bigger ratings than the shows are already garnering. It’s a safe bet that CBS will take me up on this offers, and perhaps even give me hundreds of thousands of dollars to become their creative consultant on all programming. They recognize my genius, and it ain’t too shabby. BZZZZZZZZ!!!!!

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