IT’S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE YOU SHOULD HAVE ALREADY DONE YOUR SHOPPING

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Today’s column is only to be read by the ladies. Sorry, men. You’ll have to grab a beer, retreat to your recliner, and flip on Sportscenter. (Don’t say I never did anything for you.)

OK, ladies, now that we’re alone, my...you’re looking fine today...did you do something with...oh...wait. Wrong column.

Oh, yeah, now that we’re alone, I would like to help you out of what I am sure is one dill of a pickle. Look over to the recliner. See that guy slurping down a beer, screaming at the TV, even though it’s replays from the 1984 Liberty Bowl? That’s right -- the man of your dreams. Well, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, "There were Viking wives with more civilized husbands."

Well, I can’t help you with that, but what I can help you with is finding that special something for that special someone who is now using both hands to scratch himself.

I can offer you this service for two reasons: (1) I have already had one Christmas in which I received several guycentric gifts and (2) I was given a gift certificate to a home improvement store. If your husband was standing before a firing squad (say, because belching when company comes over has become a felony) and is given a last request, there is a very good chance that he will, at least for a fleeting thought, ask for a home improvement store gift certificate. Even if he is about to be filled with bullets. The sheer joy that comes with knowing you have free money to spend on tools that you don’t need is the most euphoric experience a man can have. That and a Super Bowl win by his favorite team.

So, I give to you the items you should get for that special man’s special Christmas this year:

1. The Black and Decker Mouse. Do you like cleaning your bathroom? OK, ma’am, back in the strait jacket. For the rest of you, buying this product will eliminate the need once and for all. The Mouse is a sander with all kinds of attachable pads for sanding, scrubbing, etc. One of the pads is for cleaning ceramic and porcelain, which is a fairly common surface in most bathrooms, at least the indoor ones. Well, I spent the better part of a day scrubbing our bathrooms, not because I wanted to (or even because I was told to), but because I had a power tool -- a loud one -- to help me do it. If you could develop a power tool to help men shop, they would be lined up at Macy’s the day after Thanksgiving, extension cord trailing behind them. The only criticism I have is the name. I would prefer it be called the Black and Decker Death Scrubber 6000. (Helpful hint: With a black magic marker, it can have whatever name you want!)

2. The Intel PC Camera Pack. This snazzy little thing is a camera that hooks into your computer, and you can make videos and have video phone calls and all of that great stuff. But your guy will like this because he can spend hours -- hours! -- entertaining himself. For the first time without a mirror, he becomes his own audience without the messy delay of a camcorder! Every guy worth his salt just loves to see what a witty, charming person he is. In fact, I can’t wait to finish typing this column, because the video should be a riot!

3. The Crossword Pro. This little marvel of technology basically crams a million or so crossword puzzles into a small electronic device no bigger than a calculator. The beauty of it is that it can be concealed easily, unlike that bulky folded-over newspaper. It’s perfect for a dinnertime of drowning out everyone there. In fact, while he’s struggling with 11-across (seven letters, incessantly finding fault), and you are busy saying things like, "Are you ever going to clean out the garage? And do you think the trash will take itself out?" a little light will come on and he’ll know quietly punch in "nagging." It’s a win-win situation!

4. The Toro Power Sweep. For a mere $29.95, you get a leaf blower that is not only plenty loud, it kicks out a gust of wind around 140 mph. This is perfect for clearing leaves, acorns or small children from your driveway. Plus, it will liven up any hurricane party, should the storm stay out to sea.

5. A brand new Corvette. While I did not get a brand new Corvette, I can still say with a fair amount of certainty that most guys would like this. And it wouldn’t hurt to have all of the add-ons: CD player, remote keyless entry, Elle Macpherson in the passenger’s seat.

So there are just a few of the things that can make your man a happy man come Christmas morning. If only you could buy him a few more hands for scratching.