THE FOOL-PROOF PARTY PLANNING GUIDE
As many of you know, planning for a social event can be one of the most stressful times in your life. In fact, according to a study I just made up, planning an event can be more stressful than having a spouse eaten by wolves.
But I don’t think that’s the way it should be. I have hosted my fair share of shindigs, and I’d like to think I’ve refined it into a sweet science. I’d also like to think that I’m far more handsome than Mel Gibson or Tom Cruise, so take it with a grain of salt. That said, I have decided to pass on some of my secrets to you.
The first thing you need to do prior to any social events is to make sure you have one key element already in place -- friends. Good logic tells you that if your answering machine takes as many calls for your cat as it does you, your social event may be nothing more than you, some salsa and a rousing game of solitaire. If you don’t have friends, well, that’s another column for another day.
But assuming you do have a nice core of friends who will come to your residence for a get-together, you’re ready to start planning. Your first step in the planning process is to have a reason -- any reason -- for the party. If you simply invite people over for no reason, you run the risk of not only having a lame time, but also kinda creeping your friends out. Every time you go to the kitchen to refill the peanut bowl, your friends will be whispering to one another, "What are we here for? Is he gonna try and sell us something? He’s not into ritual killings or anything, is he?"
There are numerous events out there around which to have your party, such as the Super Bowl, Fourth of July, and Wednesdays. Whatever it is, let everyone know.
YOU: Hey, Bob, I’m having people over Wednesday. You wanna come?
BOB: Sure, what’s the occasion?
YOU: I told you! It’s Wednesday!
After you’ve figured out the social event, you need to develop your guest list. Sometimes, parties are exclusive affairs and the lists must be selective. Other times, it is more of an open invitation, and you have the exclusivity of a Greyhound bus terminal. Either way, you will need to get the word out. Word of mouth often works, but I suggest another alternative -- be married to my wife. Every time we have any social events -- we could be having people over for an intervention -- my wife crafts invitations on the computer, putting more effort into each one than I put into my entire college education. And the invitations always look great, but I still have to play the role of the Feedback Police, assuring her that everyone will love the invitations, probably more than the party itself.
HER: Do you think people will like them?
ME: Sure, honey! They look great!
HER: You’re just saying that.
ME: No, I’m not. They look fantastic.
HER: You don’t think the interactive video chip I installed on each one was too much?
You may not want to add as much detail to your invitations as my wife does. You may want to scribble the information down on dirty cocktail napkins and leave them on the windshields of your friends’ cars. That decision is yours. Remember -- it’s the message, not the medium, that’s important.
The day of the party is when stress levels can peak. After all, you have so much to do and so little time to do it. To give you an example, here is an exact quote of what my wife, I’m sure, has said hours before a social events: "Michael, we are never going to get this done. We’ve got to vacuum and make the dip and fix the couch and paint the house and spay the cat and -- napkins! I forgot napkins! We are never going to get everything done and you’re just sitting there watching basketball! Are the basketball players going to get napkins for us? No! They’re not, and you know why? Because they have heard what a disastrous party this is going to be and they, like all of our friends, will never, ever want to come over here again!"
Take it from me -- everything will get done. It always does. And if doesn’t, chances are your friends aren’t going to notice. It’s not like your friends are going to be saying to each other, "Can you believe that? They have us over here and don’t even bother to clean under their bed!"
Finally, and this is most important -- gamble, gamble, gamble. I have found that the one way to keep a crowd interested is to get their money involved. My friends and I always have something to heighten the interest (purely for entertainment purposes only, officer). If you try hard enough, you can find ways to bet on whatever is the central event of the evening: "$20 says Delaware goes GOP!" or "I got $20 says Frank is passed out in the bean dip by 9:30." Be creative!
Well, I hope this helps. If you follow my advice, you will throw the social event of the year, I’m sure! And everyone will have a blast, telling all of their friends about the great time they had, and how they’re sure looking forward to next Wednesday.