2002 - THE YEAR IN PREVIEW
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You know, each year, I make predictions for the new year. And like most parts of my life, it is without much meaning or seriousness. And I plan on doing that again this year. But, before I do, I want to make one actual predication for one dude: To paraphrase a former co-worker, “I’ve seen the future, Osama, and it’s gonna hurt. Bad.” Now, to the task at hand:
The Super Bowl is held in early February in New Orleans. Hundreds of thousands of tourists flock to the city, all thinking, “Is that vomit I’m standing in?”
The Winter Olympics are held in Salt Lake City beginning in February, and everyone agrees – it’s weird to see seagulls out there.
During the first week of March, A vicious, a destructive computer virus begins making the rounds, shutting down computer systems worldwide, crippling employees’ ability to find out where someone sitting three feet away is going to lunch. Applebee’s and Ruby Tuesday apply for federal disaster subsidies.
Thousands of Irish Americans come together on March 17 to protest the unfair stereotyping of the Irish. All are arrested for drunken and disorderly conduct.
During the Academy Awards presentation on March 24, Harry Potter fails to grab any Oscar statuettes, leaving him no choice but to turn all of the Academy into newts. Shortly after, Newt Gingrich releases a statement saying, “I knew I’d be back in the news some day!” Also during the ceremony, Sissy Spacek wins a Best Actress Oscar for her role in “In the Bedroom.” In her acceptance speech, she thanks director Todd field, who “had the courage to make this project.” New York Fire Department firefighters are allowed to blast her off stage with a fire hose.
Economic improvements are on the horizon for April. Miffed at the lack of economic upturn despite repeated federal interest rate cuts, Alan Greenspan declares that “All Frito Lay products are now 50% off.” Americans immediately bring the economy out of a recession.
Michael Jordan leads the Washington Wizards to a surprising playoff berth in April. Jordan attributes the team’s success to hard work and dedication. Oh, and the fact that he can afford to pay off every other team to throw an occasional game.
In May, the cast of Friends decides to call it quits, leaving behind lucrative contracts and fame and fortune. After the final episode, the cast of Three Sisters is called in to clean the studio.
June also sees the arrival of unexpected military actions, as President Bush orders airstrikes on the home of the Backstreet Boys. When asked if they were involved in the terror network, Bush responds, “What does that have to do with anything?”
July brings airport changes to the country. In response to increased threats, the FAA institutes new, stricter screening guidelines in the nation’s airports. From now on, only people who were born in the terminal and have never left are allowed to fly.
Early in August, Bill Clinton makes the spotlight again when he wakes up one morning and makes coffee, causing thousands of paranoid radio hosts to comment on it. Callers who point out that he has been out of office for two years are put in internment camps.
America’s love affair with Nicole Kidman continues well into September, until someone points out that, aside from “Days of Thunder,” no one has, technically, ever seen a Nicole Kidman movie.
In September, Rush Limbaugh hold a press conference to announce his retirement from radio. When asked what he plans to do post-retirement, he replies, "Huh?"
October brings exciting entertainment news, Anne Heche announces that she is leaving her husband, because, once again, she has decided she is not a heterosexual. Seemingly out of options, she is left with no choice but to clone herself.