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January 1 – 2003 is ushered in with a new sense of urgency facing the nation. After a quick stop at the bathroom, that urgency is no longer, and the nation goes back to sleep for a few more hours, wondering exactly what possessed it to consume 11 shots of a drink called Liquid Brain Neutralizer.

 January 23 – The US Senate convenes under the leadership of newly appointed Majority Leader Bill Frist, who says he will lead the Senate on its most important mission of all – to rid the world of anyone who may or may not have said something that may or may not have been not nice at a birthday party.

 January 24 – John Ashcroft presents to Sen. Frist 10-year-old Timmy Barret from Topeka, KS, who referred to Meghan Carleton as a “stupidhead” at her birthday celebration. Frist tells America, “The reign of birthday party terror will soon come to an end.”

 February 4 – US troops begin their full-on assault of Iraq, starting the war everyone has dreaded for months.

 February 4, about 10 minutes later – US troops celebrate a stunning victory over Iraq. Says Gen. Tommy Franks says, “We knew we were facing a tough fight, what with Allah on the other guy’s side and all.” He then pauses for several minutes to lie on the floor laughing hysterically.

 February 23 – A shocker occurs at the Grammy Awards, when Best Female Artist Grammy goes to Shakira, Michelle Branch, Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears, and Avril Lavigne, who, it turns out, are actually the same person.

 March 23 – The Oscars are held, and America pauses to remember the brave steps civil rights heroine Halle Berry took in taking a multi-million dollar paycheck (plus incentives to remove her top) in the brave struggle for equality.

 April 6 – Trent Lott’s big mouth gets him in trouble again, when he insensitively orders Strawberry Shortcake for dessert, angering little people around the world. The hole of intolerance only grows deeper when he admits to having a collection of Indian head nickels, owning a Scottish terrier and once having contracted Asian flu.

 April 25 – Arbor Day is observed around the world, and millions of print ads are taken out to tout the wonders of planting a tree. Fans of irony revel.

 June 1 – The Stanley Cup finals get under way, and millions of American men suddenly become huge hockey fans. When the wives finally leave them in peace to watch the finals, the men turn to the TNT rebroadcast of Road House.

 June 6 – America’s high school seniors graduate. All but three declare themselves eligible for the NBA draft.

 August 4 – Oppressive summer heat sweeps the nation, leading millions of people to complain about the temperature, exactly six months after complaining about the cold. An exasperated Mother Nature says, “You’re just never happy. I give up trying.” She then chases a handful of painkillers with a pint of Vodka, leaving the earth without any weather for several days.

 August 26 – Schoolchildren head back to school, leading millions of adults to say, “Wasn’t summer longer when we were in school?” Gallup releases a poll confirming that, according to most adults, they recall summer running from late October to early September, but that they could be mistaken.

 September 1 – Americans take a day off for Labor Day, and roughly half the population thinks they are being clever when noting that that you don’t work on Labor Day. They then proceed to tell the joke about the photographer seeing Bill Clinton drowning as if it were just brought to earth by divine providence.

 September 12 – Winona Ryder is back in the public spotlight when a class action suit is filed against her for the theft of more than $37 million. The suit alleges she stole the money $7 at a time by putting out the movie “Autumn in New York.”

 October 11 – North Korea gains the public spotlight when accusations of nuclear armament again fall over the country. North Korean president Kim Chong-Il calls the report ridiculous, and angrily denounces the United States’ “imperialist oppression,” saying there is nothing nuclear in his country whatsoever. He ends his dramatic speech by banging his glowing tentacle forcefully on the lectern, and then lighting an effigy of President Bush by shooting lasers from his eyeballs.

 October 31 – Children take to the street for Halloween for Trick-or-Treating. Despite repeated warnings via projectile dairy products, some houses still provide healthy snacks, Bible verses, or loose change.

 November 12 – The NBA is rocked when Lakers star Kobe Bryant is suspended indefinitely after he fails a drug test. Commissioner David Stern says, “We tested the sample four times, and found absolutely no traces of marijuana in his system. In our league, that’s just unacceptable.”

 November 27 – America gives thanks. Trent Lott is asked to resign from his family’s dinner table after asking for someone to pass the black-eyed peas.

 December 25 – America celebrates Christmas as it does every year – huddled around the television at 11 pm to see if they have the winning lottery ticket numbers, hoping and praying that they can call in rich to work. Oh, and celebrating the season and so on and so forth. But mostly hoping for millions of dollars.