DO US ALL A FAVOR AND SHHHHHH

DO US ALL A FAVOR AND SHHHHHH!

I think we can all agree that the single greatest annoyance on the planet is, without a doubt, other people.

I know most people mean well, but it doesn’t change the fact that many of the world’s people have habits so annoying that it would make a 24-hour PBS Telethon a welcome relief. (Which begs the question, does anyone aside from knitters actually use a tote bag?)

Anyhow, there are countless ways that people bring their annoyances into our daily life. But today, I think it would be best to focus on those little gems of the English language that not only butcher a perfectly fine language, but provide some credence to all of those lagging test scores you keep hearing about.

I was in a favorite internet haunt of mine recently (pause for your mind to return from the gutter), a message board where alumni of my college fraternity spend time chatting about important life issues, like the time we threw a television out of the window just to hear what it sounded like. (It sounded cool.)

Someone posted a message using the word "irregardless," a particular pet peeve of mine. While technically "irregardless" is a word, it’s a waste of an "ir" because "regardless" works just as well. That spun into a long list of the little sayings and phrases that people use on a daily basis that make you want to seriously work on those blueprints for your hermit cave. So, I decided to collect them here today, so that (a) you can stop saying these things if you say them or (b) can start thumping people on the nose if they do say these things. Yes, it may be harsh, but it’s the only way people will learn. If we all had cattle prods, we wouldn’t have to thump noses.

So, let’s get started on the list, with thanks to Terry, David, Derek, Stan, Brandon, Cy, Matt, Luke, Fred, Chet, and Faris, who got it all started with his disdain for the word "irregardless."

"Supposebly." Check any dictionary you want, and you will not find a "b" anywhere in that word. I promise.
"I could care less!" Folks, you COULDN’T care less, which is the point of the saying. If you COULD care less, then it really doesn’t classify your level of apathy, does it?
ATM machine and PIN number. For those of you not familiar with what the "M" in ATM and the "N" in PIN stand for, I’ll give you a hint: you don’t need it. (Brandon, a tax lawyer, was proud to include LIBOR Rate. Brandon was playing on a much higher plane than the rest of the group.)
"No offense to you." That one is a classic, because that always is used at the beginning of a statement such as, "No offense to you, but it looks like a cow regurgitated on some fabric to make that dress" or "No offense to you, but your baby sure does resemble a squid."
"To make a long story short." Cy summed this one up: "People usually say this after they have told you a ‘War and Peace’ story about how their cat just died."
The painful overuse of the word "literally." There really is no need to tell me that "I LITERALLY sat in traffic for 10 minutes." Did you think that I would think you were lying about that? Was clarification really needed?
When people say, "In a word..." and then give a lengthy explanation. You already put your quota at a single word. Don’t be greedy.
"Drownding." Much like the phantom "b" that creeps into "supposedly," there is but one "d" in "drowning."
"Giving 110%." As Stan so aptly put it, you can give up to 100%, and not a bit more. You can’t give what you don’t have. Unless you’re Congress.
The "Yeah, no" stammer. Watch for it. It's everywhere. People are constantly responding to questions with, "Yeah, no." I would rather spend the rest of my days with an agitated woodpecker duct taped to my forehead that hear another soul answer a question with "Yeah, no."

So there you have it. And, in case you were wondering, I did ask the guys if they would mind my using their posts in a column. Everyone was in agreement that the word should get out about these little language poisons. I think Brandon said it best: "Irregardless of what you choose to do, I’m sure most of the people on this board literally could care less. In a word, supposebly we’re all in this together, so maybe one day when your column is drawing big bucks for you and y’all are drownding in cash, you can head to the ATM machine to get some bucks for your co-writers."

Now, hand me a cattle prod. I’ve got some work to do.