THE EASY SIDE OF PARENTING

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You know how a lot of parents have a nightmarish first few months with their newborns? They never get any sleep, they let their physical appearance go, and they could very possibly be on the verge of completely losing it, to the point where they may very well run into traffic flagging down cars and screaming at the motorists, "DO YOU KNOW HOW TO MAKE A BABY SLEEP OR AT LEAST NOT THROW UP EVERY SEVEN SECONDS????"

Well, it must be really miserable to be them. Not like I’d know. In fact, my wife and I are quite rested since we had our child (yes, technically SHE had the child; but I was there in the delivery room watching a baseball game that was on the TV so as to avert my eyes until the doctor held up an actual baby, without any additional birth baggage). Our daughter thinks that sleeping is a fantastic way to spend an evening, and will log a solid 10 hours on some nights. Since week three, we have only had to get up once during the night, and I’m pretty sure that was to let the dogs out. I was kinda sleepy, so I suppose there is a chance I put our daughter out back. No, looking back, pretty sure it was a dog.

To be honest with you, though, I really do feel for those parents who have colicky babies or babies who just get some sick thrill out of screaming for 47 hours straight. Our daughter has three very distinctive cries, and she uses them only to communicate with us. No crying wolf for our daughter. The cries are:

1. The high, shrill wail that can disrupt aircraft communication. This means she’s hungry. Get her a bottle and get it to her soon, or she will bring down that DC-10.
2. The short but consistent bursts of "WAHHH! WAHHH!" This means she has made a present for you, and it’s time to go to the changing table and discover it. I cannot wait until she gets older and can go to the store for actual presents. I am starting to question the whole "It’s the thought that counts" saying.
3. The long, drawn out siren-sounding wails. This means that she wants the ceiling fan turned on. Seriously. If she is hanging out in her swing, as she loves to do, and the ceiling fan is off, she will begin the moan. Flip the switch, and she cocks her head upward and stares for hours. Hopefully, she will grow out of this fascination before she begins walking. Otherwise, we can never take her on an airboat.

The one part about our child that, quite frankly, I could do without, is the Atomic Export Weapon. The girl can launch some food. Linda Blair has nothing on her. Fortunately, my wife and I have both become adept at gauging when she’s about to enter the launch code, so we can quickly point her at people we don’t like. (You hear that, Mr. IRS man? Bring on an audit! We are armed with a baby, and we’re not afraid to put her in her swing so that she’s extra loaded!)

But, her doctor says that it’s a normal part of being a baby. And trust me – if given the option of making sure I walk around with a towel or having to go the month of October without sleep, my friend, crank it out! Daddy loves his sleep.

This is a great time for my daughter, as every day brings a new and exciting addition to her repertoire. Just the other day, she rolled over for the first time. Because I have videotaped roughly every minute of her life to date, I did catch it on tape. The best part of the whole thing was her reaction. Imagine having no way, to your knowledge, of getting out of your current position. You’re hanging out one day, rocking a little to and fro, and then BOOM! – you’re upside down. She looked very confused, and the fact that her mother and I were jumping around cheering like deranged monkeys probably didn’t help. Upon review of the videotape, it looks like a baby lying on her tummy, then a baby lying on her back, then a camera tied to the back of lemming as it tumbles off a cliff. The tape is not for those easily affected by motion sickness.

She began smiling about a month ago, and has now graduated to laughing, some times even to the level of great big belly laughs. And she thinks I am the single funniest human on the planet. I make a point of reading every column to her prior to press. That way, should I get some criticism, I can honestly say, "Look, I ran it past a test audience, and they laughed uncontrollably." I won’t add that the test audience also threw up on me.