THAT

THAT’S INEDIBLE

Apparently, at some point in time, I was an infant, based on photos and reports from my mother. I find this hard to believe, as it seems that I would have starved if I had to survive on baby food.

You see, my daughter has just started on what is commonly referred to as food, although I am extremely suspect of that definition. I see it more resembling a slurry concoction. Only less tasty.

She had been quite content on the liquid diet for several months. I figured she would continue to hit the bottle for months, and then just graduate to steak and potatoes one day. Turns out there are some intermediate steps.

My wife and I took our daughter to the pediatrician for a check-up, and he informed us that it was time to start her off on foods. He kept using the term "food." Apparently, this is a little joke that pediatricians play. They will keep telling us that we will be giving our children "food," and then see what inedible substances our children will eat.

Actually, the first food eased us into the mix. It was apple sauce, and it actually resembled real people food. (One quick note to the Gerber folks – just because your products will be consumed by infants, few if any will actually be handling the jars. Please understand that actual normal-sized adults will be the ones opening the food. I find it very demeaning to have to get my wife to open a baby food jar because my fairly normal-sized hands are too big to grasp the lid. Would it kill you guys to start producing them in jars bigger than a thimble?)

So, after the apple sauce, it was clear the pediatrician’s big prank was working like a charm. He had convinced us that all of his menu selections were actual foods, and we blindly plodded along into the next "food."

Folks, when I first opened up a can of what was allegedly pureed squash, my first comment was, "Honey, can she live off of just apple sauce?" I then made the following brilliant discovery:

ME: You know, this stuff kinda smells like pumpkin pie. Weird.

MY WIFE: You do know pumpkins are squash, right?

ME: Ummm, yes?

Anyway, I decided I would try a little of the pumkin pie-ish mixture. I think I speak for all babies when I say, "Eww."

I opted to go ahead and try and feed my daughter, hoping that her palate-ignorance would prove beneficial. She had taken quite readily to the apple sauce, so I hoped that she would ease on into this. But I figured there was no way she was going to take this "food."

We settled down with a nice helping of squash, and I raised the spoon to her in what I thought would be a futile attempt at feeding. And, just like a little baby bird with no taste buds, she opened her mouth wide and gobbled up what has to be one of the four or five nastiest things on the planet. And she loves the stuff! She loves it so much she not only eats it, but, apparently, finds benefit in using it as a moisturizer, because she spreads it from chin to forehead (mine and hers) during meals.

We have a whole range of new and, I’m sure, equally tasty foods on the horizon for her. My wife still has the list that our pediatrician gave us. I need to check and make sure it’s not additional pediatrician humor:

WEEK ONE: Apple sauce

WEEK TWO: Squash

WEEK THREE: Fresh kelp

WEEK FOUR: Ostrich eggs (over-easy)

WEEK FIVE: Broiled wombat

WEEK SIX: Motor oil mixed with sheep trimmings

I’m sure the actual the list has things like pears and greens, which I’m sure will smell just wonderful! I have learned one lesson – I will let my child serve as the official taster. I’ll just take her word on whether or not things are good eating. For one thing, just in case the prank’s ongoing, I don’t want to taste kelp.