SHOULD WE BEE CONCERNED?

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With all of the talk about corporate accounting misdeeds in the news, I figured it was high time that I weighed in on the situation.

Then it occurred to me that having me talk about corporate accounting is like having Rip Taylor talk about fashion subtlety. So, today we shift gears and focus on a different but equally important issue: are honeybees oppressed?

I ask this question because I was recently shown a website that encouraged people not to eat honey, lest they add to the suffering of the honeybee. The site is operated by a vegan and, in case you weren’t in the know, the site informs us that “the word vegan specifically implies moral concern for animals.” Apparently, it also implies condescension and Swiss cheese logic. I would give you the name of the site’s owner, but I couldn’t find it on the site. Perhaps being a “webmaster” was too oppressive for the site, so he (she? it?) just left the name off.

The argument the vegan makes is that bees are enslaved. And, to prove this, the writer uses the old-fashioned letter-to-the-editor approach of stating that it is, indeed, a fact, so you can’t argue it. “The simple fact is that the bees are enslaved.” Well there you have it! Perhaps I should send a letter to the IRS saying, “The simple fact is that you do not want my tax dollars this year.”

The website goes on to convince you of the bee enslavement through numerous fun facts. Among those, we learn that 5% of bee farmers are women. I don’t know what relevance that has, but you can sure sound smart during the next lull at a cocktail party. Also included are chart and graphs showing how many people are bee farmers for hobbies or for career. And I think I speak for everyone, upon viewing the charts, when I say, “Zzzzzzzzz.”

Additional staggering fact points include the statement, “Beekeepers will naturally deny that they are slave owners who steal the products of the bees’ labor.” Now, I personally don’t know any beekeepers, but I’m just guessing that a conversation regarding beekeepers being slave owners would go something like this:

YOU: Hey, Mr. Beekeeper, or Ms. Beekeeper if you are on the 5% of female beekeepers, are you a slave owner?

BEEKEERP: Huh?

BEES: You want us to sting him, boss?

My favorite argument of all is the following: “Slavery is worse than murder. I'd rather commit random acts of murder than be a slave owner.” Well, thank you, Mr. Gacy, but answer me this one teeny question: How many ex-murder victims can you name?

The website carries on with additional facts and such, all designed to dissuade you from ever eating honey again. They even try the whole “how honey is processed” approach. Look, if ripping flesh off of a cow and grilling it up doesn’t stop me from eating a nice, juicy steak, do you really think a little bee puke is going to do it?

But the one issue that this person fails to grasp is that, like many other things in the world, I simply don’t care. I don’t care if the bee is enslaved. I don’t care if the beekeepers are oppressive overlords. Hey, nobody here loses much sleep over sweatshops, and those kids won’t even sting you.

I remember a few years ago when some honeybees decided to set up shop in my parents’ backyard. Apparently, they had taken the Underground Railroad to get there. They had gathered in a bird box, and lived a pretty peaceful existence for several years. Maybe over time their freedom wore on them, because they eventually fizzled out. Maybe they died, maybe they moved on. Maybe they’re freaking bees so who cares? The bottom line is, the second those bees were gone, we yanked some of that honey out of there and had some of the most delicious honey that has ever touched your lips. And you know what? If you came back later and told me that my dad had been sneaking out there each night and zapping them with tiny cattle prods to get their honey production up, that honey would not have tasted any less sweet.

Look, don’t get me wrong. I think there needs to be an added dose of humanity put into many aspects of our lives. But yammering about oppressed bees just makes you look like a loony. Nature is cruel. And our big ol’ brains have figured out a way to streamline that cruelty. And in a delicious fashion, I might add.