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CELL YOUR SOUL

So about a year ago, I made the leap of consolidation when it came to my telecommunications needs.

My phone company gave me an offer that included cellular phone service, DSL internet connection, local phone service and long distance service. At the time, I had a single cell phone and dial-up service internet service. By adding the new grouped package, I would add a cell phone, drastically increase the speed of my online service and pay about half what I had been paying a month. Seemed like a no-brainer.

Well, apparently, the "no-brainer" part is what they rely on when you sign on, as they count on you having no brain and blindly sending them checks for varying amounts each month, despite the fact that they tell you that it will be the same price each month.

And I apparently am dead-centered in that demographic, since I did just that for about five months until my wife (the one adult in our home with an actual, functioning brain), said one month, "Uh, why is our phone bill $500 more than it's supposed to be?"

Being the slick financial operator I am, I so very wisely said, "It keeps going up. It was like $200 more last month."

My wife gave me that blank look that she often gives. The last time she gave it to me was when I said, "Balance what checkbook?"

"So last month was higher that our set monthly fee, and you just paid it?" my wife asked. I sensed she was less than happy. Partly this is because she added, "I am NOT happy about this."

I tried to explain. "Well, we had been out of town some, so I figured that roaming charges may have kicked in." I have no idea how exactly roaming charges work, but I figured that the cell phone companies must be on the level when they sent me a higher bill, so I just paid it.

"You need to call them and straighten this out." I am not sure why my wife always has me call when things like this happen. She is the one who keeps studious records regarding bills. She is the one who can wade through medical bills and figure out how much we actually owe. And she is the one who always comes into the room when I'm making these calls and says to me, "Be nice to that person. And stop saying you're going down there ..."

I called the phone company and told them that I was unhappy with my phone bill, and that I disputed it. The phone rep immediately responded that my issue was with the cellular company, not them. And then this mind-numbing exchange took place:

ME: This was a package deal. I signed up with all of these services together.

PHONE REP: But they are a different company from us.

ME: But you're together on this deal, so you're the same to me.

PHONE REP: But we're a separate company.

ME: Not to me. You them. Them you.

PHONE REP: No, we're different companies.

ME: Whatever happened to the customer is always right? If I say you're a dump truck, you're a dump truck, you understand?

PHONE REP: No sir. Because we're different companies.

ME: NOW YOU LISTEN...

MY WIFE: Be nice to that person...

Eventually, I managed to get a phone rep manager and a cell phone company manager on the phone at the same time. Reluctantly, they both admitted to me that, so far as a customer was concerned, they were the same company. The cell phone manager looked into the records and said that the big problem was the multiple charges that come from my wife calling me on my cell phone. Apparently, that's something absurd like quadruple usage. They agreed to wipe off those charges and give me some option that allows my wife to call my cell phone without it resulting in charges. And that's a good thing. Unless she's roaming. Whatever that means.