OFF TO CLEVELAND

There was a time in my life when I had no tolerance whatsoever of slow drivers. Although I am well past my days as a reckless moron behind the wheel, the sight of someone traveling well below the speed limit used to drive me nuts.

Now, however, I do not get angry. I simply acknowledge that there is a good chance they are trying to get a 3-year-old to sleep. My daughter, who is only a few weeks away from the 3-year mark, is very much in need of an afternoon nap, despite what she says. The day can go one of two ways: Allie can take a nap, and the afternoon goes smoothly, suppertime goes perfect, and bedtime is a snap. Or, Allie can NOT take a nap, and my wife will look she put her hair in a blender at the end of the evening.

So despite the fact that she most definitely needs a nap, convincing her to do so is not so easy. My wife and I have tried roughly 72 billion different techniques. We have tried the “quiet time” approach, where one of us sits in her room with her, lights off, blinds drawn, quietly reading a book, while she sprints around the room singing, “I’M NOT TIRED! I’M NOT TIRED!”

We tried the “leave her in the room alone” approach, where she stands and knocks at the door singing, “I’M NOT TIRED!! I’M NOT TIRED!!” And we even tried the “Lie down with her” approach, in which you will shortly find her standing on your chest singing -- you guessed it -- “Girl from Ipanema.” Not sure where she picked that up.

So we reverted to the old standby approach -- strap her into a car seat and hit the open road. Cars are apparently equipped with some sort of narcoleptic-sonar device that knocks children out after a few minutes. The important part is finding the exact routine to ensure that all of the sonar waves reach your child full force.

With Allie, the first trick is convince her to get into the car. She knows she is no match for the sleep induction capability, so you have to make it worth her while. The first few times we went on the Nap Express, I told her we were going to Cleveland. She was very excited. When she woke up in her bed two hours later, she was not very happy with me.

After about the third time of “going to Cleveland,” she made it very clear she did not want to go Cleveland. I assured her that no one wanted to go Cleveland, but that avenue was pretty much exhausted. So, I went to the old standby: Straight up bribery. I have spent about $45,000 in Cheeto’s in the past year, as I have found that telling I’m going to the Cheeto store is like baiting my car.

After we stop for Cheeto’s, I have to choose my actions very carefully. I tell her that we are heading home, where we will have the Cheeto’s. Of course, therein lies another problem. The store we go to is very close to our house, hardly enough time for the sleep waves to knock her out. So, in order to get her to sleep, I have to take a long, winding road home. It would be easy enough, but she apparently has mapped out the area fairly well. If I make a left turn out of the store, she loudly pronounces that I am going the wrong way, usually by screaming, “WE’RE LOST!!! OH, NO!!!” And over and over and over and over. If I were to roll down my window, I feel confident that other motorists would begin offering me maps.

By the time I calm her down (“Oh, we’re going to ANOTHER Cheeto store!”), I have winded around back roads, taking the most roundabout way to get home. There is a delicate balance that must be maintained, of course. I don’t want to stray too far from home, because if she sleeps too long, she will wake up when we get home, and will have had only about a 15 minute nap.

But if I get too close to the house and she recognizes where we are, she reverts back to using her Magellan-like navigation skills. So generally I stay right on the cusp of our neighborhood, but crawl along at a snail-like pace. I often look in my mirror and see the frustrated drivers stacking up behind me, and I hate that I am blocking them. But I hope they understand that I am merely trying to get a little girl a much needed nap. And, if they are still mad about, I say to them this: Find a different route to Cleveland.