WHAT TIME IS IT?

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I have no idea what time it is. I never do. There are not two clocks in my world that are on the same time.

The main reason for these incorrect times is my wife. My wife is a firm believer in utilizing all of the time allotted for any activity. If there is an event scheduled for 7 p.m., she is gifted at using each and every minute up to said activity. Since the dawn of our relationship, it has caused me great stress, as I am firm believer in arriving early for most occasions, often days in advance.

So, in an effort to get ready earlier, my wife adopted a simple plan. Start a little early, right? Oh, no. The answer, it seems, is to set clocks back a few minutes, so that she thinks it is later than it is.

Often, I argue that it's not a good method, since she KNOWS the clocks are ahead, and therefore knows she actually has more time than allotted.

She assures me that she only acknowledges the clocks are fast if she REALLY needs the extra time.

"But, why don't you just start getting ready earlier!?!?!?!" I ask. I am told I just don't understand. I get that a lot, on a variety of topics.

I have found that it is not just my wife, however. My sister also set clocks forward to, she says, "give her more time."

My father has a constant battle with his cell phone, because he wants the clock set ahead, but every time he crosses a cell, the clock resets. I spent the better part of a 10-hour car drive with my sister and father arguing that it doesn't help to set the clock ahead if they know that the clock is ahead. They, too, argued that I just didn't understand.

Apparently, they're habitual misuse of timepieces has infected me, too, as evidenced by the latest goings on with my watch.

It is always slightly off because the battery, apparently, does not technically work.

Every few days, I glance down at my watch and notice that it's just sitting there, hands idle. After a vigorous shake, it starts working again, usually for a couple of days. Granted, I assume it's a couple of days. The little calendar feature also stops working, so it could be weeks and I wouldn't know. I have tried of late to guess the slowdown of the watch and set my watch slightly ahead in an attempt to get the most time close to the actual time, whatever that is. Granted, the last time I did this was about two weeks ago, and my watch has yet to slow down, meaning I have been five minutes fast (I think) since then. I dare not set it back to the correct time, because that may be what slows it down. At least when my family's clocks are off, they are consistently off.

As I have started paying attention to this, I have realized how off everyone else's clock is. The other day, I was getting my haircut. I asked someone there what time it was, and she motioned to a clock that was on the wall above me. "Five till 11," she said. I glanced at the clock, and saw that it read 11:00. "Oh, it's five minutes fast," she said.

Apparently, they were so used to having the clock five minutes fast, setting it to the correct time would throw them off their game.

So I guess the correct time will remain elusive. Hopefully, I will be able to keep in the general ballpark of the proper time. That way, I should at least be close to being on time places. Assuming I get the right day.