MORE THAN SKELETONS IN THE CLOSET

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So in the upstairs of our house, we have five closets that are, essentially, used to hide junk.

Three are in our bonus room, one is in a hallway, and one is in the guest bedroom. These closets serve a very useful purpose, namely that we can shove any and all items into said closet and shut the door, thereby giving the illusion of cleanliness.

The downside to this, of course, is the very real possibility that you one day open the closet and are buried under an avalanche of winter coats, Halloween decorations, and umbrellas. It will be months until you are found, at which point you will have already resorted to eating members of the Uruguayan rugby team who were stranded with you.

But despite the potential risk factor, I was fairly content with this method of storage. Then my wife decided that our soon-to-be-arriving child needs his own room, and he apparently needs it now.

Well, remember that guest room I told you about? It’s about to get a very long-term guest. And he will probably need a closet. So, I was given the task of combining the contents of five overflowing, junk-filled closets into four. And, of course, my wife cannot help me because she is pregnant, and there is a real possibility that she would bend down to pick something up and topple over, stranding herself on her back like a turtle, and I would be of very little help, since I would be rolling on the floor laughing and pointing, which is fairly safe right now because, let’s face it, she can’t catch me.

I first thought that the best solution to the closet combination conundrum was to merely continue stacking things higher and higher into the closets, cramming things in every possible nook and cranny, until there was a rock solid mass in the closets, possibly providing additional insulation.

As I stood surveying the potential open space in one of the closets, I looked into one box and said to myself, “A beer would make cleaning go much better.”

But AFTER that, I said, “Why are we keeping a box of nonworking computer parts?” Not surprisingly, no one answered. But in this box was a set of speakers that were no longer functional, and in fact had not worked for years. Those speakers could play about as much music as a manatee with a violin. And underneath the speakers? A big thick book on the use of the speakers. So I not only had nonworking speakers stored, but also a big book on how the nonworking speakers worked. Great.

I decided it was time to do my ritualistic purging of all items that deserved nothing better than a date with the curbside pick-up. Box after box I pulled out, and was amazed at the sheer volume of worthless things I had stored in there. Hey, guess what – you can probably get rid of that insurance manual from your insurance in 1995. OK, actually, most people have probably already gotten rid of their most current one, because, let’s face it, no one can understand what that book says anyways. You’re just gonna go to whatever doctor you feel like, get better, and get 62 bills from 78 different agencies, all wanting a different amount, and you will find yourself in a spiraling web of increased blood pressure, and rest assured, digging that little book out ain’t gonna solve your problems.

Oh, sorry. Got sidetracked. Anyhow, when all was said and done, I had eliminated about 15 boxes from the closets. And the contents filled many, many trashbags. I didn’t count the number, because I was working fervently to get them out of the house before my wife came home. If I didn’t, there would be a possibility that she would come in, peer in a bag, and decide to keep something I have tried to throw out, such as an old magazine or the cat.

When all was said and done, I had an amazing amount of space available. I had actually pared it down to a mere three full closets, which was a pretty impressive feat. So now everything is working out perfectly. We have an extra closet that we can use. Granted we will probably use it to store more useless junk we should throw out, but it is available nonetheless. And most importantly, our son’s room has a closet available, which is imperative for someone with three months left until his birth.

E-mail me at mwg1234@yahoo.com.