MOVING INTO THE DIGITAL AGE

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I sure hope the brainiacs of the electronic world don’t come up with a new movie format any time soon, because I am pretty sure I have crossed my installation competence level.

For years, I have had your run-of-the-mill VCRs. They were easy to hook up. A cable came from the wall and into the back of the VCR. Then another cable went from the back of the VCR to the back of the TV. I could always get this within three tries. True, I did once wire the VCR into itself, but I figured that problem out in a matter of mere minutes.

 I have wanted a DVD player for years. However, I know my limitations and those include (a) electronics shopping and (b) electronics installation, so I conveniently just put off the purchase. I really wanted the upgrade, but really didn’t want to have to deal with sales clerks or, worse yet, end up bound at the ankles by audio cables after the installation process goes horribly wrong.

So you can imagine my mixed emotions when my mother-in-law told me she was getting me a DVD player, and was even going to let me pick it out. I have her fooled. She thinks that I can easily saunter into any electronics store and talk shop about this and that. Truth of the matter, I could go in trying to purchase a DVD player and accidentally walk out with two-way radios.

I knew that I was going to have to brave my sea of ignorance. So I decided to do what any smart shopper would do: I searched on the internet and then asked one random shopper in a –Mart store for advice. Here is what I was told: make sure it is “progressive scan.” I still have no idea what that means.

Eventually, I took what seemed like the smartest approach: I found the lowest priced model. I then tacked on 15% and looked for one in that ballpark. Boom. It ain’t rocket science, but it gets me out of the store quickly.

When I got home, I was feeling pretty confident, what with my unbeatable approach at product selection. I decided I would go ahead and hook that bad boy right up and start watching some super crisp digital entertainment.

I pulled my brand spanking new DVD player out of the box, and plugged the conveniently-color-coded cables into the back and then right into the back of the matching ports on my VCR. I popped in a new DVD and saw it was about to play. I called my wife, so proud of my unbelievably fast installation time. “Honey, come check this out!!!” I screamed. She came into the den quickly, expecting to have to cut me free from the cables.

What she saw, instead, was a DVD playing. On our TV. Can you believe this? And then she had to crush the moment by saying, “Why is it fading in and out like that? That gives me a headache.”

Truth be told, I had seen the fading, too. But I had wanted to deny it was there. I had actually had an easy installation process. So what if there were some minor problems, such as the probability of intense seizures midway through a movie.

After some discussion with other DVD owners, I found out that the problem was that I was running it through my VCR. Apparently, somebody out there is afraid I will make bootleg VHS tapes of DVDs, so they complicate the installation process to prohibit that. And I couldn’t plug the DVD directly into the TV, because my TV was apparently constructed around the time of the Taft administration and doesn’t have the proper input.

I explained the problem to my wife. “The solution,” I told her confidently, “is simple. We need a new TV.”

She wasn’t buying that. And, thus, I wasn’t buying a TV. I did some quick work on the internet and found that I needed an RF Modulator, which is, as I am sure you know, a device that modulates the RF. Fortunately, these are easy to find in your friendly –Mart store. With a little assistance from a neighbor, I managed to get all of the wires hooked in on the first try. And by “a little assistance from a neighbor” I mean “complete and total operational control given to a neighbor while I went in the other room and read a magazine.”

I am pleased to say that my DVD player is 100% functional, and in no way causes any kind of optical discomfort. The viewing is definitely enhanced with the DVD player, and I am really glad that I finally have graduated to this level of electronics viewing. I just hope it stays here for a while.