DEBATING THE DEBATE

Well, here we are, only a day away from another moment of history.

By history, of course, I mean "Insomnia Cure."

Yes, we are boldly trudging towards the inevitable debate between two men, of which one, it appears, will be the default choice for the next president of the United States.

The last debate gave us insight into the candidates’ views and stances on important issues. And, if you recall, the last debate was between the vice presidential candidates. The last debate between the presidential candidates gave us insight as to why we should consider the perks of Toronto. To give you an idea of how bad the last debate was, 66 percent of the respondents surveyed in the Mike Gibbons Household Poll said that, if a hungry tiger had been released on stage, they would have rooted for the tiger. 33 percent of the respondents cried and made a present in her diapers for Mommy and Daddy. Statistics do not lie, my friend.

Look, folks, I know we all have our differences of opinions on politics, but if there’s one thing we can agree on, it’s that we have the two least presidential choices in the history of American politics vying for the highest office in the land. Neither Gore nor Bush would be in the front running to cut my yard, so it seems they shouldn’t be the ones in a position to pick and choose who gets to be the lucky recipient of a missile assault.

But maybe there is some hope. Maybe this next debate will show that one of the men – or perhaps even both – can step up and show the moxie needed to run the country. But, to do so, Gore and Bush are going to have to take some debate advice from me:

Vice President Gore – Stop interrupting, man! And stop with the sighing. You sound like you’re on The People’s Court, for crying out loud. Oh, and by the way – you know that knock on the wealthiest one percent you keep giving out? Stop it stop it stop it! Personally, I don’t care if George Bush is planning on going over to the wealthiest one percent’s homes and feeding them their breakfast. This is America, and I am selfish. Tell me what you are going to do for me, not what he is going to do for them. And especially don’t tell me if he is planning on feeding them, because the idea of Bush spoon-feeding Bill Gates’ morning Cream of Wheat is kinda creepy.

Governor Bush – First and foremost, are you running for U.S. President or class president? Well, it kinda sounds like the latter. Please take a public speaking course between now and tomorrow night. Your subtle Texas drawl and aw-shucks demeanor may play well with some. Others may see it as a prime reason to send Iraqi aircraft into Philadelphia. Furthermore, I know that you have a lot of snappy comebacks prepared for you. But please use them at the appropriate time, unlike last time, when you used the Mediscare line after a comment on Social Security.

I hope for all involved that the debate goes better than the previous one, but mainly for Jim Lehrer. It was like watching Edison judge a science fair convention at a reform school. I am sure Lehrer could have garnered a healthy 60-70 percent of the votes had he seized the opportunity:

JIM LEHRER: Mr. Gore, what is your take on allegations that under your administration, highly classified secrets have been sold to the Chinese?

GORE: Well, as you know I have led the way in making America a safe, secure place for all Americans of all backgrounds, like Mrs. Enid P. Arbuckle, who is here from Kenosha tonight. She came here hopping on one leg. The other leg had to stay back in Kenosha and work two jobs just to pay for her cat’s ear medicine. And under my plan, 5 percent of the 25 million Americans with a 7 percent deductible on the highest 45 percent of two-thirds of the wage earners in the upper 75^th percentile and ranked in the AP Top 25 will receive a free toaster and a poster of Brittney Spears.

BUSH: Uh…uh…uh…typical Mediscare, Jim.

GORE: SIGHHHHHHHHH.

JIM LEHRER: Do you believe these guys? Write me in, and I’ll have them both sent to Botswana. For good.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking I’ve become cynical. And you’re thinking that one of these guys – whichever one it is you support – is a fine upstanding man who will lead our country to prosperity. Look, if there’s one thing we have learned, it doesn’t matter who you have in the White House. For the past eight years, we have heard day in and day out about scandal after scandal. Yet, we are also in the middle of an economic boom (so they say). What does that tell me and my brilliant political and economic mind? It tells me that our economy apparently runs on a different plane than our executive branch, and we could have a drunk monkey as president and it wouldn’t have much bearing on the way my money flows.

I am sure plenty of you would love to correct my views and point out why one candidate is such a better choice than the other, and why this tax plan and that healthcare plan will make America a better place. But save your e-mails. My mind is made up. I don’t care how the debate goes tomorrow, I’ve got to cast my vote in the most sensible manner. And I’ve got to get Gore and Bush shipped to Botswana.