EASING THE BURDEN OF SHOPPING

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There is a problem in this country that is threatening the very foundation on which we live. And there is no time like the present to solve it.

I am talking about men having to buy female products of which we have no knowledge or understanding.

In my younger days, I may have hemmed and hawed about going to purchase certain products reserved for the female species, but the toll of life has softened that aspect of me. For one thing, it's not like someone will think that it is for me. Second, it's not like I really have a choice. My wife manages to trick me into agreeing to do things before I realize what is happening.

ME: I'm going to the grocery store. We need basics.

MY WIFE: Beer?

ME: And bacon.

MY WIFE: OK...since you're there...

And she sends me off with various products to purchase. The most confusing one, of course, is the most feminine of feminine products. These products are coded in ways that are incredibly confusing and foreign to me. In an attempt to help you identify which product is which, they use little symbols and icons that mean nothing in my world. Whether it's a hot air balloon, a rabbit or a bow, the symbols all run together, and I can never remember what I was supposed to get. I think that all of these products should be assigned a professional football player. That way, your wife could say, "Honey, pick me up a pack of Brett Favres, please." We would remember that. No way I would come home with a pack of Mike Vicks.

Another confusing arena is the female deodorant. Men's deodorant comes in three kinds: white, green and froo-froo that you just pretty much avoid, because SOMEONE you know will see you buying it. Women's, on the other hand, has things like powder fresh, shower fresh, showered powder and powdered shower. I have yet to pick up the same kind of deodorant for my wife. And I have yet to pick up the right kind. Perhaps we could assign baseball players to the deodorant. "And remember, I want the Roger Clemens in roll-on...."

And if you think that the athletes may have an issue here and perhaps want some endorsement money, I tell them this: Ted Williams went and fought in World War II in the prime of his career. Let's drop the whining.

Baby food is another arena that left me scratching my head. For the most part, baby food comes in two colors, brown and green.

My wife would send me to the store for vegetables and I would come up with 18 jars of apple sauce. She would stare into the bag, and then look at me the way you look a 3-year-old who just pulled a tissue from the trash can and handed it to you.

I, of course, would plead my case: "I thought I had picked out a variety of different things. I don't know what happened. I swear there were vegetables in there!"

This is where the color coding would come in. All baby food lids would be color coded: brown (meat), green (vegetables) or red (fruit). On the label would be, in big block letters, would be the contents of the jar. There would be no pictures, no clever sayings, nothing. Just the word "PEAS" right under a bright green lid. Furthermore, all grocery clerks will be trained to bring to a shopper's attention if he has purchased 18 apple sauces.

Finally, the sizing of women's clothing issue must be addressed. Men's are based on a very simple principle: actual measurements. Women's clothes are based on some cryptic numbering system. I think the most simple and straightforward solution: women's clothes are forever scratched off gift lists.

If the husband is shopping, the list can contain something more understandable, such as Dorito's or power drills.

Sure, you may say there are bigger fish to fry in our great big global neighborhood. And you are probably right. But let's at least face one problem we can easily solve.