HAPPY ELECTION DAY

HAPPY ELECTION DAY!

Well, it’s election day, and you know what that means – it means that you will still be seeing election signs for the next 17 months.

And that’s a fine way to begin today’s column, which will consist of some insightful commentary on the electoral process.

So let’s address the signs. Political signs are my first method of deciding who to vote for. Actually, I suppose it’s more accurate to say it’s how I decide who NOT to vote for. So, politicians, keep that in mind the next time you want to strategically place your sign at the corner of a busy intersection, thereby blocking the view of oncoming traffic. Judging from the reaction of other motorists, some people do not like it when you pull out in front of them, even if it isn’t your fault. So, block my view and cause me to be assaulted by hand gesture, and I refuse to vote for you.

Oh, and while we’re on the signs, would it be too much to propose a Constitutional amendment requiring all political signs to be taken down within 48 hours after the election? If one of your signs is found up after the 48-hour period, you must eat the sign.

Moving on to other parts of the election, let’s talk about the realm of waiting in line. Look, you know that there is a good chance you will wait in line if you stroll in around 11ish to vote. Keep in mind – even with a small voter turn-out, there are still almost as many voters out there as there are charges on Robert Downey’s record, so you’ve got some competition.

When you do get there and find a Space-Mountain-like wait, the last thing you need to do is complain. Loudly. And repeatedly. During the 1996 election, I remember standing in line while a woman said, over and over, any one of the following three things:

"Can this take ANY longer?"
"I just don’t know if this is even worth it."
"They have GOT to do something."

Needless to say, most of us in line thought up exciting ways to take someone out with a voter registration card. Finally, one brave defender of the American way boldly turned and said, "Ma’am, I think a little wait is a fair trade off to live in a free country where we’re allowed to choose our leaders." BAM! TAKE THAT, COMMIE CATHY!!! The crowd was moved by the outspoken defense of democracy. And who was that man you ask? Who took the burden of the Republic on his shoulders, so that others may be free? Why, it was none other than some guy about three people ahead of me in line. Older gent. Sweater vest, I believe. Well done. Wish I’d thought of it.

Moving along, let’s discuss a little post-vote etiquette. Most of us, after voting, proudly wear our "I Voted" sticker. Stickers are a great way to share with your fellow man. Look around on any given day and you may see a "Blood Donor" sticker or a "Highly Contagious" sticker. But an "I Voted" sticker is something you can only get once a year, so it’s special. But, that does not give people the right (are you listening, people?) to come up to you and have the following conversation:

THEM: So, you voted?

YOU: Yep.

THEM: Who’d you vote for?

Folks, there is a reason that we don’t gather everyone in the country in a big auditorium and stand up and announce who they are voting for. And that reason is that we just don’t have an auditorium that’s big enough. But more importantly, it’s because your vote is private. If you decided to cast your vote for a write-in candidate such as, say Michael Jordan or yourself or Salma Hayak or even a three-man basketball team starring those three, it’s nobody’s business! Do you hear me! Nobody’s! And there IS a chance we all play toget…

Never mind. The point is, the election is one of our most treasured and honored events. Free elections are what set this country aside from other countries, whose structure is, for lack of a better word, wrong. We’re America. We’re right. They’re wrong. We rule! Now get out there and vote! Better get going. The lines are getting long.