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A YEAR OF FIRSTS

Dear Allison,

Happy first birthday! It was a year ago that you came barreling into the world. Since then, I have seen my life change more rapidly than at any other point in time. Because I am apt to forget this later on, I figured I would take today’s column to chronicle for you some of the major milestones you achieved over the first year. Your first year was a year of firsts, so let’s recount them:

You first met your grandparents when you were 20 minutes old. But, rather than the standard-issue four grandparents, you have six, and all six were there to greet you at the hospital.

You slept through the night for the first time at three weeks of age. Your previous record for continuous sleep was nine seconds. When your mother and I woke up and realized that we had gotten a solid six or seven hours of sleep, we were fairly convinced flying monkeys came and got you overnight. Turns out you were just tired from not having slept for the past three months. I think it was very kind of you to only put us through three weeks of sleepless nights.

You reached the century mark of being held at two months of age. Yes, at that time, your mother and I counted up that over 100 people had held you. You see, we used to take you to the mall, where we had a booth with a big sign that said, “Hold the Magic Baby for $1! Good luck for all who hold the Magic Baby!” OK, so it was friends and family who were holding you. But we could have charged some of them, I’m sure.

Your first tooth came in at three months. Your second one followed shortly after. You were somewhat fussy, but I suppose that’s allowed. You were amazingly stoic a month later when you had five teeth break through in a single weekend. I guess even at a young age, endorphins can kick in. You remain one of the toothier children I know.

Speaking of teeth, you inflicted your first visible wound on someone at about three-and-a-half months of age. Your aunt was holding you, when you serenely nestled up to her, snuggling your head on her shoulder. You leaned towards her face, as if to give her a gentle kiss, but then struck like a cobra and bit her square on the chin. To my sister’s credit, she did not drop you. However, that should explain why, to this day, you are required to wear a Hannibal Lecter mask.

Your first solid food encounter came at four months. You have since learned that your mouth is the appropriate entry zone for food, not your forehead, my shoulder, or the cat.

You got your first real bath in a real tub at five months. You figured out that a well placed slap of the water will not only get Daddy wet, but also the side of the tub wet, which Daddy can then slip in. Daddy going splash is fun!

Your first word, if you ask your mother, was “Mama,” and was uttered at seven months. She, of course, must be medicated, because your first words were “Ethel Kennedy,” and you said them at about two months of age. (Folks, you think I’m kidding, but I swear on a stack of baby books that she looked up from her bottle and said, “Ethel Kennedy.” Don’t ask me why. Just know that it happened.)

You first learned the hilarity of mocking your mother when you were nine months old. As you approached an electrical outlet, she said, “No!” To which you replied, “NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!” for roughly nine hours. Daddy was sent to time-out for falling on the floor laughing.

You first deleted an entire column of Daddy’s when you were 10 months old. As Daddy was typing away, you stealthily crawled to the computer and turned it off. Daddy now saves quite often.

You took your first steps when you were about 11 months old. You took your first face plant about one second after that. You have gotten much better at the whole walking thing now, and are a real pro at the falling down part. You may have a future as a stuntwoman. As it is now, you could maybe be a stunt double for Verne Troyer, but other than that your options are limited for a few years.

Well, that pretty much brings us up to date. There were countless other firsts I could discuss, but let’s be honest – when you’re talking about babies, a lot of them would be gross. I know that you will continue to learn new and exciting things everyday, and I can’t wait to be there every step of the way. Let’s just hope I can stay out of time-out.

Happy Birthday, Allie. I love you.