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SOLVING THE WORLD'S GAS CRISIS

There has been a tremendous amount of talk of late about high gas prices. And let me tell you, I agree with you 100 percent, whatever your opinion is. It’s been a long day and I don’t have the energy to argue.

But the gas issue has gotten me thinking about a number of car-related issues, and I have no choice but to burden you with my concerns today. First off, I am interesting in locating a gas station that has a functioning credit card reader. I have traveled across this great nation (or at least four or five states) and have to find one that actually accepts the card and then processes it properly. Generally, I will insert the card and begin to yell at the machine in the hopes that somehow loud insults will make it work, until the person inside tell me over the loudspeaker that the machine is broken. At one fine establishment, I had the following conversation:

ME: If the machine is broken, why don’t you put up a sign that says so?

CLERK: We didn’t know it was broken until you tried to use it.

ME: Well, maybe you should put a sign up.

CLERK: Well, we’re not sure it’s broken,

ME: But I just tried it, and it was broken.

CLERK: We’ll have to wait until the next person tries it to know.

Realizing I had created a conversational Mobius strip, I knew it was best to move on. Personally, I think that all of the credit card machines were intentionally turned off at the pumps, because some of the heads of the gas stations had the stark realization that they were bad ideas. It would be one thing if these stores only sold gas. But these stores have some of the best stuff on the planet inside. Keeping people from going inside keeps them from impulse buys such as circus peanuts, by far the finest tasting neon orange food going. Keeping the credit card machines out by the pumps makes as much sense as having armed guards shoot at you if you try to enter.

Sure, the store operators will tell you that the machines do operate, and that they put them their for your convenience, so that you can zip and zip out and they can be your friend. Sure. Perhaps their next move will be to drive to your house with a tanker truck, fill your tank up free of charge, and plant flowers along your walkway. Because they are your friends.

Another car thought I will bring to your attention involves the warning lights on cars. My car has had a warning light on for about a month. However, I can tell no difference in the way the car operates. Yes, I know that is a WARNING light, and therefore telling me of things that are going to happen. But the light does not give me any more information than a pale, orange glow. I found out that I can go to an automotive repair place and they can hook it up to a machine to tell me what exactly the problem is, but let’s face it, there’s just so much time in my day, and I can’t waste it away makings sure that my car is safe to be on the road.

But what bugs me even more with regard to the lights is the lack of them. I think that cars should have little sensors on every functioning part of the car, and if it’s not working, it should tell you. My wife’s car has a rear windshield wiper on her car, and it works only sporadically. The problem with this, of course, is that the only time I remember that it’s not functioning is when it is pouring rain and I turn it on. It would benefit me far more if I could have some reminder during nice sunny days so that that I could then actively take the initiative to find a reason not to get the car fixed. With all the time I’m saving not going to mechanics, I am going to live forever.

Which brings us back to gas prices. OK, it doesn’t, but I couldn’t think of a segue. Personally, I think gas prices should be scaled based on driving habits and “annoyance infractions.” The base price of a gallon of gas would be $1. For each annoyance infraction, you will have five cents tacked on to the price. Don’t use your turn signal? Gas just went up to $1.05. Too busy talking on the phone to accelerate at the green light? Hello, $1.10. There will be some drivers who are paying $50-$60 per gallon, easing the burden on the rest of. And with those savings we’ll have, think of all the circus peanuts we can buy.