A TISKET, A TASKET, A BLOWN HEAD GASKET

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Now I know how people must have felt back in the 1700s.

You see, I am in a situation that mirrors our revolutionary brethren, for I, like Patrick Henry and George Washington and John Hancock - have no car.

Well, I guess it’s not exactly the same, because it’s not like George Washington could just drive Martha’s Ford Explorer, but I’d like to think this is a plight worthy of the history books regardless.

It all started over the weekend. I was driving along in my faithful Honda Civic, as I have for the past six years. (Not six years straight. I occasionally stop for gas and snacks.) This car has been a great one. Throughout it’s life, I have only had to do minor, standard repairs. Never had it been afflicted with a major, life-threatening injury. Until the other day.

I noticed that my car was kinda lurching when I accelerated. I had just filled up my tank, so I thought to myself, "Hey, maybe my car has bad gas!" Yes, ladies, even when men are alone they are amused by bathroom humor.

I looked in my rearview mirror and saw big plumes of white smoke streaming out from behind me. "Hmm," I thought. "Looks like a big white cloud of smoke is tailgating me."

"IDIOT!!!" screamed the small functioning part of my brain. "PULL OVERBEFORE YOU’RE A 35 MPH FIREBALL!!!"

I heeded these warnings. Fortunately, I was right next to a mechanic shop. I coasted into a parking lot and noticed that my vehicle was gathering lots of attention, mostly in the form of hacking, wheezing motorists who were behind me.

When I got inside the office, the man behind the counter said, "Sounds like you’ve got a sparkplug loose." Now, folks, I don’t know a lot about cars. To wit:

1. I once drove my car for several thousand miles with different sized tires on it. I found out after the blowout that this can be bad.

2. Despite repeated attempts, I still cannot change my wiper blades without help from an auto parts store clerk.

3. I once complained to a mechanic that I thought the power steering fluid was low in my car. He informed me that I did not have power steering.

So needless to say, you should take my advice on cars about as soon as you should take my advice on how to reattach a severed limb (my advice: don’t worry about it; it’ll grow back). But I can say with a fair amount of certainty that a faulty spark plug doesn’t turn a vehicle into the Smoking Parade of Noise and Roadway Disruption that my car was.

The guy agreed to put it up on the rack and take a look. "Put it up on the rack" is mechanic-speak for "Find new and exciting ways to charge you."

Once my car was up on the rack, he told me that I had a blown head gasket. This, apparently, is bad. Quite bad. And by "bad" I mean expensive. He told me the cost to fix it. Oh, we had a good chuckle over that one. Hey, by the way - did you know that the "head gasket" is apparently a crucial part of your car, and that running your car after the head gasket is messed up can apparently ruin your whole engine? Fun, huh? I don’t know about you, but I think it would be a savvy move of the car manufacturers to, oh, I don’t know - make cars that don’t have one single part that apparently holds everything together!?!?!? How about a back-up head gasket? A reserve, perhaps? How about we just do away with the whole stinking thing? How important can it be? Why not add another carburetor or another alternator or perhaps another strut? These are all crucial car parts, right? Why can’t they fill the void? True, I have no idea what any of those parts do, but if they are that crucial, they should be able to multi-task.

Anyway, since this was simply a mechanic of convenience, I opted to have my car towed to a mechanic of quality and substance. I was told by the mechanic that it would take three to four days to get the car fixed. So, in the meantime, I will drive my wife’s car, which means she will sit at home and pace the floor. It’s not like she really goes anywhere during the day, but this make it so that she certainly cannot go anywhere, so the cabin fever level should be cranked up right nicely.

Hopefully, in a few days, my car will be cured, and my wife will again have a vehicle at her disposal. In the meantime, I guess we will just have to make do as best we can, much like our founding fathers did. Who knows - maybe my car will run better than ever, once this repair is made. Maybe this is just what the doctor ordered. Maybe he’ll let me know if I have power steering.