AMERICA – HOME OF THE GROPED TOMATO

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I think it’s high time that we, as a nation, reassess our grocery store etiquette.

This occurred to me the other night when I stood behind a couple with a grocery cart filled with enough food to fill at least a good chunk of the Grand Canyon. Behind them was a man with a box of ice cream. A single box of ice cream.

But did the couple let him go ahead of them and their overflowing cart? Nosirree. Instead, they paid with a credit card, to make the process even slower. The man was probably taking this box of ice cream home to his pregnant wife. And she probably thought he was taking WAY too long to get the ice cream there, so she spent all of the time he was absent talking to her unborn child, telling the baby what a bum her father was, so that she will be born into the world with resentment and a lack of respect for her father, leading her to a life of seedy adult nightclubs. And to think it could have all been avoided. That’s right – little Suzy would not be stripping right now had you just let the man and the ice cream go ahead of you! I hope you’re proud of yourself.

Sorry, kinda got away from myself there. Anyway, back to my original point, which was, I think, grocery store etiquette. As the previous story vividly illustrates, the future of our nation hangs in the balance. So let folks in front of you if they have only an item or two and you have enough groceries to cook dinner for Thailand.

But it shouldn’t stop with this. Next, you should change the way you deal with the grocery carts. Cart abuse has gotten so out of control that it, too, may be leading our young people to a life of exotic dancing, although I have yet to figure out how to make a connection. Still working on it, though.

Every time I go to the store, I dutifully return my cart inside the store. And, on occasion, when someone has kindly left their cart strategically covering two parking places, I will grab that one, too. And then I even try to go the extra mile. A while back, I was walking my cart back into the store. I noticed a woman putting her groceries in the trunk of her car. Thinking I was being neighborly, I motioned to the cart and said, "Hey, lemme take for you." Judging from her reaction, something was very, very wrong. It was then that I realized I had motioned in the general direction of her purse, and she apparently thought I was the world’s worst purse snatcher. When I realized there was some confusion, I said, "Oh, no, no, no. I meant the cart. Not your purse. I was gonna take the cart for you. Back to the store. Up there. Oh, never mind. Just mace me."

But I think my point rings true. If we as a nation begin to return carts en masse, it would not be such a rare occasion for someone to offer a helping hand, and I therefore can avoid being a potential pepper spray victim.

There are countless other ways we can improve on our collective grocery store etiquette. Fore example, when you stop to browse the contents of an aisle, you could make sure that you have not blocked the entire aisle. One day, someone will be pushed to the limit and find out exactly what ramming speed is in a shopping cart. It won’t be pretty when you’re pulling yourself off of the chip shelf.

Next up, dealing with cashiers. Now, I know that we have been through this drill before. But let’s review: 16-year-olds are not good at guessing ages. If you are 37 and someone asks to see your ID when you’re picking up a bottle of Merlot, flash it, and realize it is one of the few times outside of check writing and traffic arrests that you will have to show your license. Think of it as a special occasion!

Finally, let’s talk produce. Everyone likes to give their produce a good rubdown prior to purchase. That’s the American way. In fact, we should change our national motto to "America – where we’re not afraid to grope tomatoes." But it can be taken too far. It is not a pleasant experience to sift through the fresh fruits and vegetables, only to find a well-placed thumb mark in a peach. In fact, it’s kinda gross. You have no idea where that peach has been.

So I think with these marching orders, we will be able to turn this nation around faster than you can say "delusional columnist." In no time flat this country will return to the level of greatness we know we can achieve. And it all starts at the grocery store, folks. It’s that simple! Let’s do it for America. Let’s do it for each other! We can turn it all around! Except for little Suzy. The damage has been done.