LEAVE THE HAIRCUTS TO THE PROS

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There are a number of things a husband should never say to his wife. Those include:

1. “You’ve really packed on the pounds.”

2. “Have you ever seen someone prettier than her?”

3. “Can I borrow your black dress?”

And I can now add another thing I never, ever should say to my wife: “I tried to cut Allie’s hair.”

You see, our daughter, Allie, was in dire need of a haircut. I thought I would be helping - and even surprising -- my wife when, following bath time, I gave her a quick shape up.

And surprised she was.

Fortunately, I could tell early on that it was bad news. I made a couple of snips in the back and realized that hair wasn’t exactly coming off in the nice, even manner that I had intended. In fact, it was coming off in large, uneven clumps. Realizing that I needed to abandon this project before any more damage was done to my daughter’s hair, I gathered her up and headed downstairs to confess to my wife.

At the time, my wife was holding our newborn son, Parker. I find it is always beneficial to discuss potentially sticky situations while she is holding Parker, because I am quite certain she will not throw Parker at me. I probably would not have broached the subject had she been holding something else, such as a lamp or the cat.

“Uh, honey,” I said, nervously.

Looking up from the couch, she said nothing. She knew my tone.

I held up Allie in front of me. This was partly for display and partly for shield, just in case. I also held up the scissors, just to let her know I was armed. “I kinda tried to cut Allie’s hair. I think we need your help.”

My wife stared over at us, surveying the situation.

She then said something that made me realize I had screwed up in ways I wasn’t even aware: “Those are my kitchen scissors. I just cut chicken with those.”

Great. Now, not only did my daughter look like Kato Kaelin, there was a distinct possibility that salmonella was in her future.

“Can you save it?” I asked, sheepishly.

“I GOT A HAIRCUT!!!” Allie screamed. I am certain that it would have been a lot funnier in a different situation.

Composing herself with amazing calm, my wife went on a quest for actual scissors. She made several comments about my choice of scissors, as if I am somehow supposed to know the finer points of scissors use. She should have been glad I didn’t try to use the hedge trimmers.

She was unable to find another pair of scissors. As part of my punishment, I was sent next door to borrow some. When I returned with acceptable hair cutting tools, my wife was able to trim Allie’s hair and make her look more like a little girl, and less like someone who had spent the past year in a secluded mountain cabin.

I am fortunate that my wife is able to undo my damage. Now let’s see how she does with salmonella.