LEAVING AN ABUSIVE INTERNET RELATIONSHIP

Sometimes, you just have to say enough and break free from an unhealthy relationship.

I had been held in the icy grip of an overbearing monster for too long. It was time to say goodbye to America Online.

I had been using America Online since 1995, when I first got a computer with Internet capabilities. That computer was, in technical terms,

slower than a dead turtle. I could connect at a breakneck speed of 9,600 bps, which stands for “boring and painfully slow.” When I first got my

computer, I was excited about the world of possibilities that awaited me. Six days later, www.aol.com finished uploading.

For years, I toiled with incredibly slow connection times. But I muddled through, because even though it was slow, it would randomly cut off on

occasion, which was a nice little change of pace.

The one time that America Online would ramp up in speed was when I ventured into a chatroom. I would foolishly seek out answers to, say,

a home improvement question, and the other chatters would hit hyperspeed with replies:

ME: Does anyone know how to stop a leaking faucet?

SKEEDOG: I RULLLLLLZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!

LADY83: whhose chilllllinh????????

BRADMAN6: LEAK!!~!!!! LOLOLOLOLOL!!!!

And so the insightful commentary would continue for as long as I would stay online. Actually, it would delve into a much bluer tone with some

posters, but I feel a family newspaper is not the place to discuss such things. In fact, Cinemax is not the place to discuss some of those

things.

After I got a computer upgrade, I was able to connect at a slightly faster connection speed. That is, of course, when I could actually

connect. I once called America Online and complained.

ME: Every time I sign on, it immediately kicks me off.

AOL HELP: You have too many programs running.

ME: I only have AOL running.

AOL HELP: And that’s too many programs. You need to quit that program.

ME: Uh...

AOL HELP: Or we can try reformatting your hard drive.

Over time, the connection problems got slightly better, but I was still paying triple the amount some other people were paying for Internet

access. I told a neighbor that I had AOL, and that I was routinely connecting at a whopping 28,800 bps. He laughed. Actually, he kinda

snickered, which meant he thought it was both funny and deserving of mocking.

He told me that he was using a different Internet company and was routinely connecting at something like a bajillion bps. And it was only

about $10 a month. Being the savvy consumer I am, I took his recommendation, considered it complete and comprehensive research and went inside and signed up.

The first time I logged on, I was nervous to say the least. The main reason for this, of course, is that I made this decision without

consulting my wife. The last time I made a decision without talking to me wife, I ended up stuck on the roof. You may remember. It wasn’t

pleasant.

Fortunately, the connection was in fact faster and cheaper, and so my wife was in full agreement that the switch was a good idea. I am

excited about being able to spend quality, high-speed connection that will allow me unfettered access to the web. Maybe I can find out how to fix that

faucet.