HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HERE ARE YOUR SECRETS

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Today is my wife's birthday. So, as a loving tribute to her, I will spend today's column telling you some things about my wife that you may not know. And that may be the reason I have to find an apartment later today.

1. My wife is afraid of most every animal. I am routinely bringing animals into the house that I think are the coolest in the world, and she is pretty much convinced I am insane. She does not understand why I think it's cool to find a rat snake in the garage. She does not understand my spider policy, which calls for spiders to be politely ushered outside, rather than stomped on with a large boot. She is terrified of cats, which I rectified by getting her a kitten for her birthday years ago. And what kind of cat did she get? One forged deep in the bowels of Satan's lair, that routinely attacks just for sport. Great choice.

2. My wife can get ready in three minutes flat. I know this may get her kicked out of the International Sisterhood of Taking Forever to Get Ready, but I have seen her roll out of bed and look like a million bucks before the coffee is done brewing. It's quite amazing. There are times when we both start getting ready at the same time, and she is done before I am. And anyone who knows me knows that I generally look like I slept in my clothes, which makes it all the more impressive.

3. My wife is fire-proof. Don't believe me? Get in the shower after her. She takes a shower in water that is about 42,000 degrees. She will get out of the shower, and she's all pink, like a cooked lobster. "Water a little warm?" I'll say. "Yeah, I ran out of REAL hot water about halfway through." I think she is made of asbestos.

4. My wife is an octopus. While that is not confirmed, that is the only reasonable explanation for why she has as many shoes as she does.

5. My wife is a gamer. I base this on the fact that we went deep sea fishing once, and, after a 30-minute struggle she reeled in the biggest fish of the day. All the while throwing up over the side of the boat.

6. My wife has been knocked out during a football game. Granted, she was a trainer in high school and got bonked by a punt, but it still counts for something.

7. My wife is practically best friends with Jamie Foxx. When we were in college, he was a struggling actor following a struggling band. He chatted with her for a few minutes at the bar. Thus, they're practically cousins.

8. My wife cannot be grossed out. Most people have this threshold that, once you cross it, brings out the gag reflex. Not her. Be it children, pets or whatever nasty thing you can imagine, she has the amazing ability to address the situation unlike most people, who would do the sensible thing and run shrieking from the situation. I have actually seen my wife stop in the middle of cleaning up a doggie uh-oh and say, "Hey, did you pay the power bill?"

9. My wife is no one to be trifled with. I like to think that I am one tough customer when it comes to dealing with matters of the checkbook. I will lock horns with the best of them. But let me tell you -- I am doing them a favor when I deal with them. I spent MONTHS dealing with phone company problems. She spent 10 minutes and had a personal e-mail address of someone who promised to "take care of things." I have not asked questions,.

10. My wife receives more catalogs than any human on the planet. We have a Shaquille O'Neal sized pile of catalogs in our bedroom. And she promises me she plans on reading each and every one.

Well, I guess that the information provided today was not too embarrassing. As it turns out, she's just your average fireproof octopus friend of Jamie Foxx. But, hey, who isn't?