JUST HANGING OUT

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So if you are considering having children at some point in your life, I give you this piece of advice: Stay away from my son.

You see, if you do hang out with young Parker, you will think that a newborn is quite similar to a loaf of bread. My son exhibits the character trait that is know, in medical jargon, as “more laid back than Bob Dylan after drinking a quart of NyQuil.”

Now don’t get me wrong. It’s not that he’s lethargic. It’s just that he sits and chills out for the better part of the day. And it is not a healthy thing to hand someone a calm, relaxed baby when they are contemplating having a child.

Parker spends the bulk of his time sleeping, which is why, when I grow up, I want to be a newborn. Any gig that calls for 22 hours of sleep a day is OK by me. Plus, in my current state, if I fall asleep at dinner, it’s considered poor table manners. For him, it’s considered “just precious!”

Of course, Parker does, on occasion, fuss a little. And if he does, you can either (a) change his diaper or (b) feed him and the fussing will stop. If it doesn’t stop, it’s because you either need to (a) change him again or (b) feed him some more. As soon as the belly is full and the britches are clean, it’s chill time.

To gauge someone’s true desire to have children, potential parents should hold a child who behaved more like our first child, Allie. Or perhaps a writhing porcupine.

Allie was a very active newborn. She only slept in short intervals. If memory serves, the intervals were about 10 minutes every eight or nine months. The rest of the time, she was testing the limits of her lung capacity. For Allie, her schedule was like this: Fuss. Wiggle. Scream. Fidget. Flail. Repeat.

We were told that she did not have colic. Possession was not ruled out.

The night hours were Allie’s favorite time for activity. Many an evening was spent walking the floors of our home, an exceptionally unhappy Allie in tow, trying to soothe her. Often times, it was like trying to hold onto a greased squid. My wife and I would take turns, trying to locate the exact right rhythm and the exact right song and the exact right temperature in order to gain that sweet, precious still quiet that would last seven or eight seconds. Things are much different with No. 2. Evenings with Parker are generally spent sleeping. He will wake up a couple of times during the evening.

However, thanks to Mother Nature’s infinite wisdom, the only way I can be off assistance during those times is to nudge my wife and let her know that he is hungry. I, meanwhile, take on the daunting task of making sure I sleep some more.

Potential parents need to know what they could face. They don’t need to think that their newborn will just sit there all day, spending his few waking hours just looking around taking things in. Anybody can deal with that. And after you deal with that, you may say to someone, “Hey, this parenting is a snap! I don’t know why people complain about it!” And if that someone is a parent who has not slept for the previous 17 months thanks to a fussy child, you may have to see a physician about getting the 101 Dalmatians rattle removed from your skull.

See, I feel like I can talk about the ease of Parker, since I experienced the opposite end of the spectrum. And don’t get me wrong -- it’s not like you can gauge how a child is going to be based on the newborn tenure. Some babies are fussy. That’s just the way it is. Similarly, being calm and collect is no guarantee that he will be that way when he gets older. Maybe he’s just conserving energy. Whatever the reason, my wife and I feel very lucky to have a child who is so easy to deal with. Here’s hoping he doesn’t try and put all that conserved energy to use at once.