MORE ADVICE FROM MIKE

Once again, you are people in peril. You come to me for guidance, and I prove to be your Psychic Friend/Sage. In a world gone mad – mad, I say – I am the steady voice of truth in a not-so-steady world. That’s right, folks – it’s once again time for Advice from Mike.

My dog keeps scratching at the rug. Is there any way to stop him? Mildred P.

Mildred, the best way to stop Fido from that is to first ask yourself two questions: (1) Have you gotten new carpet installed recently and (2) has your husband Frank been conspicuously absent of late? If you answered yes to both questions, I think we can pinpoint the exact cause of the scratching. Check the lump in the hallway.

There is an awful smell coming out of my refrigerator. My roommates say it’s the bologna from 1988, but I think it’s the milk from 1992. Which is it? Todd G.

You’re going to be surprised to hear this, but it’s neither – it’s the pastrami sandwich you got in the summer of 1995.

My wife is a terrible backseat driver. Is there any way to get her to stop offering "assistance" and even occasionally lurching for the wheel? Paul R.

You bet, Paul. Nothing makes a family vacation go smoother than a tasty sedative sandwich! Now, before you jump to conclusions, I am in no way saying you should drug your wife. Instead, you take the sedatives! That way, your wife will have nothing to get upset about as you stroll down the interstate at about 4 mph saying things like, "Pretty flowers…apple…unicorn…"

My bank is charging very high rates for a checking account. How can I get around this? Frieda R.

Well, your first mistake was trusting a "bank." Don’t you remember 1929? I know I do. It wasn’t pretty. The only foolproof way to hang on to your money is to put it in the hands of someone you can trust. And, if there’s one thing we know, it’s that you can trust me. Send all of your money to me, and I promise I will take good care of it, minus a small handling fee.

I have concerns over the recent news stories involving the Confederate Flag or the presidential election or the lottery or some other newsworthy event where everyone has differing opinions solidly locked in place. Where could I go to express my viewpoint as the be-all, end-all fact on the matter? Steve F.

Steve, you are like many Americans, and your voice should be heard. But where can someone go to stand out from the crowds? Oooh, wait – I know – write a letter to the editor! No one has thought of that yet! End it with a real zinger, like, "Think about that for a while!" or "Is that the America you want to live in?" and you’re sure to stand out from the other 42,000 letters that say the exact same thing!

I am thinking of running for political office. How do I begin? Susan D.

Well, your first step, Susan, is to have any and every person who was even a fringe part of your past eradicated. If you do not feel like you can do this, you need to at least have them added to the payroll. Otherwise, they may feel inclined to bring out sordid details of your past to the media come election time. And if you think they wouldn’t do that, Susan, does a little place called the Hot Mamma Café ring a bell? I thought so. You know where to send the money.

Who owns the other planets? I mean, if we found water on Mars, shouldn’t the good old US of A be able to reap the profits of the potential boom from the watersports there? Eddie R.

Eddie, one thing you should always remember – the US of A owns anything it wants to. Sure, there are other countries, but only because we don’t want them. It’s not like anybody’s really hankering to live in the Sudan, so we let them be. Mars, however, is a different story. Mars is ours, because we found it first.

What in the world prompted you to do another advice column? I thought the judge said you were forbidden to give advice, especially after the unfortunate kidney transplant incident. Don A.

Well, maybe I don’t like what the judge said. And maybe he’s retired. And maybe that kidney needed to come out.

Got questions for Mike? E-mail them to mwg1234@yahoo.com. He will be sure to review them and make up his own after he decides your problems aren’t that interesting.