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MAKE YOUR MOVIE

I would like to take this moment to thank the gentleman at the movie theater the other day for making it perfectly clear that zebras cannot, in fact, run as fast as a racehorse.

It is that kind of basis in reality that keeps a 4-year-old grounded and keeps them from such foolish endeavors as enjoying a movie. You see, I recently took my daughter to see the movie “Racing Stripes,” about a zebra that grows up on a farm and has a yearning to be a racehorse. During the climactic end scene, in which Stripes is racing, the man behind us made this observation. Fortunately, it didn’t bother my daughter who was too busy asking me when the flies were going to sing again.

Yes, singing flies. Witness protection pelicans. And Shetland ponies that trained racehorses all eluded his reality radar. But heaven forbid someone try and imply that a zebra could run fast. In the middle of the scene, I stood up, turned and screamed at the man, “THIS IS NOT A DISCOVERY CHANNEL DOCUMENTARY. BESIDES, HOW DO YOU KNOW ZEBRAS CAN’T RUN THAT FAST? HAVE YOU TIMED ONE?” I then emptied my 140-ounce soda in his lap and stormed out to the roaring applause of the other moviegoers.

OK, so I didn’t do that. I took a little dream sequence hiatus to envision my outburst, but decided I would rather my daughter remember the movie for the funny talking animals, not Daddy being removed by authorities.

I don’t know what it is, but there is something about a movie experience that really can bring out the worst in some people. During this particular outing, we arrived to find a line waiting for tickets. Now, I don’t know about you, but when I go to the movies, I am actually going to see a particular movie at a particular time. Apparently, lots of people don’t do this. Rather, they just show up, as if to say, “Hey, I’m bored, let’s see what’s playing at 2:15.” So part of the reason for the slowdown was that some people decided to wait until they got to the window to figure out their movie of choice. This would prove to be a theme for the day.

Another hold-up was people paying with credit cards. While the actual process of paying with a credit card does not take that much time, it seems to me that 10 minutes you spent in line could have been spent on the treasure hunt in your purse to locate a Visa. Rather, folks would opt to chat up the wait, and when they got to the line and finally decided on a movie, they would then begin their credit card quest.

Perhaps they assumed the movie was free, and the idea of having to pay for it caught them off guard. As I said, this became a theme for the day. Once inside, we got in line for the concessions. Somehow, there were more people in line for snacks than the movie theater will actually hold, so I am guessing some people were merely coming there for the dining. Now, when I go to the movies, my order is simple: popcorn and a soda. I tell them what I want and give them the $140 it costs. Very simple.

But it amazed me when, time after time, people who had been standing in line for several minutes — all the while with a giant menu in front of them — waited until that point to decide what to order. First off, there aren’t that many selections. Second, it’s the same menu that’s been in place since roughly the dawn of cinema. Third, you’ve been standing in line with a menu right there. Read something. Make a decision. Expedite.

Finally, my daughter and I got to the front of the line. “Popcorn, large Coke, small Sprite.” I handed him seven $20s, and we were in and out in a matter of seconds. Easily done.

I have to give major credit to my daughter during the waiting. She was a trooper, and didn’t get fidgety at all. She spent time reading movie posters, getting to know everyone in line, and reminding me that she wanted “a Sprite. Not a lemonade. A Sprite. I get Sprite. You told me I could have Sprite. Don’t forget my Sprite.”

Despite the few headaches, we had a very good time. The movie was quite entertaining (albeit not a factual account of zebra speed). I look forward to heading out to our next movie. I think I’ll go now and see what’s playing.