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MOVING RIGHT ALONG

Moving teaches you a lot of important lessons. The most important one, of course, is don’t move.

But, since we can’t control our nomadic urges to move from one subdivision to a different albeit quite similar one, we must learn from each move, and hope that we can make it as stress-free as possible.

That, of course, is impossible, because a move without stress is like Puff Daddy without a pending trial. They just go together.

So, I figure that the least I can do is share some of the wisdom I have gained from my latest move, so that you can take this with you into your next move, which, if you are a married man, is much sooner than you think. Trust me. Just ask your wife.

That said, the lessons from my move:

Regardless of how small an object is, if you get 50-60,000 of them and shove them all in a box that apparently was used to ship the Space Shuttle, the box will get heavy. As I was struggling to move one gigantic box, my wife said, "Oh, that box should be light. It’s just got stuffed animals in it." Apparently, my child has every stuffed animal ever produced, and they were all in this box. Although each one weighs only a few ounces, together they weigh roughly the same amount as the Lincoln Memorial.
When packing a cordless phone, always keep the phone with the base. Otherwise, you will find yourself running around the house, frantically ripping open boxes, hoping to find the actual telephone that is ringing inside one of the boxes. Also a good idea to go ahead and put your remote controls in your safe deposit box.
Dryers should be emptied of all clothing before moving, especially if you have friends helping you move. As we were moving the dryer up the stairs, the door came open and a load of clothes tumbled out. Helping friend was not happy. While a load of clothes does not add that much weight to the load, it sends a strong message to your help. That message: "I am trying to trick you into moving additional items." This goes double for washing machines.
If you purchase a computer armoire that comes in two enormous boxes and takes two days to assemble, do not, under any circumstances, try to move it. Ever. Just leave it at the original house and set aside two days to assemble a new one.
Center the area rug before putting the China cabinet down. In fact, center the rug and then let your wife contemplate the placement for a few days before putting the China cabinet down.
Do not have a party two days after the move-in. Unless of course, it’s a "Help Us Unpack" party, in which case no one will show up anyway.
When attempting to hook up an ice machine, do not try and do it yourself. Only use a trained professional. Ice machines know what you’re doing, and they will dump two or three gallons of water on the floor. You have to bring in an outsider.
Do not balance dresser drawers precariously on the top of a chair that is balanced precariously on top of a table, even if you have every attention of moving them before you crank up the moving van. You will forget. And they will come crashing down on your wife’s china cabinet. And it will leave a mark. And she will not be happy.
If you have to take apart your baby’s crib in order to move, it is a good idea to remember where each part goes. You don’t want to wake up in the morning and find your child sleeping amidst a pile of crib rubble. (Editor’s note: No, his daughter did not experience crib implosion. But had he not found and re-installed the crossbar on the bottom, who knows what would have happened But trust him on this – put the crib back the way it came. Your wife knows how many parts are there. And she’ll check.)

Do not label boxes with phrases such as "stuff" or "this and that." This only makes the movers (read: me) frustrated. Label them with an appropriate description of the contents of the box, such as "plates" or "sweaters" or "cat."

Well, I suppose those lessons should make your move an absolute delight! With this structure and organization, your move will go off without a hitch. We can discuss it some time if you’d like. I’ll call you when I find the phone.