New Page 2

FINDING NEMO

I finally worked up the courage. It took unheard of bravery, but, being the noble man I am, I faced the challenge head on. And I took my daughter to her first movie.

A lot of you out there may be wondering what the big deal is. And you are what we call “not parents of a two-year-old,” because anyone who has or has had a two-year-old knows that taking a child to a movie theater has the potential of taking a rabid monkey to a state funeral.

I have been planning on taking her to a movie for some time now. Unfortunately, my wife seems to think our daughter will not appreciate the subtle nuances of “X-Men 2.” But when the Disney/Pixar film “Finding Nemo” came out, my wife figured that this was a good first movie. After all, it’s G-rated. And nothing bad or scary happens in G-rated movies, except deer being burned alive, rats attacking babies, and dogs getting shot by their owners.

I decided that a Monday matinee would be a fine choice for a child to attend her first movie. I recall my first movie, “The Rescuers,” in 1977, and it was a Monday matinee as well. (Editor’s note: Mike has no idea if it was a Monday or a matinee. He is embellishing. All he actually remembers is bringing popcorn in from the outside, subtly hidden under his shirt in a brown paper bag, because, in the words of Mike’s dad, “Three dollars for popcorn!?!?!?!?!”)

When we woke up that morning, I realized that I would be able to coax llie into an entire morning of behaving. She is finally getting to the age where she can anticipate things that she wants, and she understands consequences of positive and negative actions. Or, to sum up: I can bribe her with treats.

Allie trying to color the dogs with marker? “Allie, don’t you want to see Nemo?” Allie behaves. Allie trying to stack waffles on her brother? “Allie, don’t you want to see Nemo?” Waffles back on the plate. Allie singing Chicka-chicka-boom-boom at about 6,000 decibels? Ah, let it ride. That’s just a kid being a kid.

So after a stellar morning of behaving, we headed off to the movie. Allie was very excited, and asked me several times if the shark would be there, too. She saw a preview of the movie, and was quite concerned with the presence of the shark. I assured her that, if the shark showed up, he would be only on the screen. Granted, this is someone who holds long conversations with Cinderella onscreen, so maybe this was little reassurance to her.

When we got to the theater, my wife and Allie went ahead and sat down. I was sent to the concession area to buy about $45,000 worth of snacks. (Side note: Another plank in my platform, should I ever run for office: If a single line has formed at a concession stand, and a clerk opens a second register, the second person in line -- in this case, me – gets first crack at that register. If you are behind the second person in line and dart past said person -- again, me -- you will be sent to the back of the line. In a burlap sack. (Feel free to chew and claw to set yourself free.)

When I finally got to our seats, I saw our daughter sitting very still and quietly. I checked to make sure this was, in fact, my child, because the only time she is still and quiet is never.

But, in fact, it was her. She was mesmerized by the size of the screen. As the first preview rolled, she sat in wild-eyed awe. As it concluded, she said, “That was a great movie!” My wife and I realized that she saw a two minute trailer as an entire movie. That could make for a long day with an hour-and-a-half movie.

Once the movie started, though, we were pleasantly surprised to see she stayed in her seat, quietly watching the movie. And then, in the 11^th minute of the film, she decided it was time to talk to mom, dad, Nemo, the kid in front of us, the bright light at the back of the theater, an imaginary Elmo sitting next to her.

The good news, of course, is that the movie was filled with small children, so she was no more a distraction than anyone else. It would be like going to a rodeo and being annoyed by the smell of livestock. Sometimes you just accept your surroundings.

All things considered, I think she did pretty well. I am actually looking forward to taking her to a movie again. For one thing, I think it’s time she learned to smuggle popcorn.