THE ALLURE OF A NEW TOY

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When I get a new toy, I want to start using it right away, which makes me all the more befuddled when my wife suggested that I hold off on opening the box of our new computer, which is one of the highest ranking toys on the list of Things That Men Will Pay Attention To, In Turn Neglecting Such Things as Family, Diet and Hygiene (it’s wedged between new car and neighbor with beer on tap).

But such was the edict cast down when our new computer arrived. We had planned on buying a computer for months. I had spent hours on the phone haggling with the computer folks, angling for a deal. I had a secret price that I was daring them to come near. I would even taunt them.

ME: Look, I’ve told you what I want. Hit my price and I’ll buy from you right this second.

COMPUTER PERSON: Well, what is your price?

ME: I’m not telling.

COMPUTER PERSON: OK, then the price is the same one I quoted you.

ME: Lower.

COMPUTER PERSON: Click.

So this game went on for a while. Each time I called I was convinced they would hit the magic number. They never did. One day, my wife came downstairs with a printout of a computer we could buy. It had all of the bells and whistles we wanted and then some. And it was well under my secret number, which was so secret I could not even tell her. I asked my wife how she did this. “I just went online and found it.” Beginner’s luck.

In a few days, the computer arrived. I came home from work very excited, since this meant I could do all kinds of amazing computer things. Never mind that the heaviest lifting I do on the computer is typing in a word processing program. Now I could do it with GOBS of speed to spare! Hey, there are speed limits in this country, but people still buy fast cars, right?

Alas, my wife had other plans. “I don’t want to even open the box until we get the office set up. Deal?” Unfortunately, I was distracted by the allure of what was inside, and all I heard was, “Open the box.”

My wife went upstairs to put the kids to sleep, and I immediately hauled everything to the office and started pulling stuff out. In a matter of moments, the room looked like a computer parts/Styrofoam store. In the back of my mind, something was telling me, “You are doing something you’re not supposed to be doing. Hurry up.” I frantically began assembling the new computer and stuffing the packing pieces back inside the box. Fortunately, computers are pretty easy to crank up these days.

Apparently, the computer industry realized that the bulk of computer users were as tech savvy as a catfish, and that thousands of man-hours of tech support were spent each year dealing with set-up problems (“No, sir, if the plug doesn’t fit it probably doesn’t go there. And, yes, I would recommend getting your dog to the vet.”) So they have simplified the process. There are about four cables, and they are color-coded so the most technically ineffective person (read: me) can do it.

I had everything plugged in and was starting up the computer for the first time when I heard the door open. “What are you doing? I thought we were going to wait!”

At this point, some sanity began to seep in. The reason my wife wanted to wait was that we currently had an office with a computer already in it, and she wanted to move the old computer first, get the desk set up, and that kind of time-wasting stuff. I, on the other hand, had opted to set up our new computer on a stack of books and Barbie dolls. I gave the best explanation I could think of: “Uh, I was trying to surprise you?”

Needless to say, my wife would have been more convinced had I told her that the cat had done it. She knew my motive. I wanted to install the computer so that I could see what new solitaire games were on there and see how fast I could go from Web site to Web site and, if I had time, see just how many programs I could open before it slowed down (answer: I still don’t know; how cool is that?). My wife is still not happy about the haste in which I installed the computer, and is punishing me by making me help her shop for a new computer desk. But at least we have the new computer. And we got it for a great, low, secret price.