FEELING POWERLESS

As we settle into the steamy crockpot-like days of summer, it is important to be aware of the problems that can be caused when your air conditioner fails.

My air conditioner has failed in the past. And with that came the uncomfortable temperatures, the less-than-chipper attitudes, and the feeling that you are wearing clothes fresh from the rinse cycle.

But this year, I found there is an added bonus: Your power bill can inexplicably double. I am prepared for a spike in the summer. My wife is a big fan of sub-arctic temperatures, and I have found it is easier to don a parka inside on summer days than it is to argue the point. But it seems incomprehensible that taking out your biggest power gobbler for 30 percent of the month would send your bill through the roof.

I called the power company, and spoke to a young man named Gary. I told him that I had gotten my bill, and that something was wrong, and I would like it adjusted accordingly. Gary, it appears, has not mastered the hold button. When he, apparently, thought he had put me on hold, he said, I assume to a co-worker, in a high-pitched, mocking voice, "adjusted accordingly blah blah blah."

I responded by calmly saying, "GARY! YOU BETTER PICK UP THIS PHONE RIGHT NOW!!!!"

Gary found the hold button and never did come back. After a few minutes on hold, with my scalp actually burning from rage, I hung up and called back. Although someone in another call center answered this call, I am fairly sure that the word got back to Gary of what I thought of him.

When I finally got the Gary out of my system, I explained my problem. The woman on the other end (who clearly has children, since she dealt with me in a calm and soothing manner), told me that the meter had been read, but they would send someone out to check it to make sure it was operating properly.

I will skip the part about where it took three different attempts to get them to my house, because, quite frankly, my blood pressure need only rise so high. On the third day, they finally made it to our house. My wife met the man there, and he told her that the meter was running fine, recording gobs and gobs of kilowatts or amps or watts or whatever mystical and perhaps made-up thing it is it records.

"Well, ma'am," he said, "everything seems to be working fine. You know, power bills go up in the summer, what with the air conditioner running and all."

"But it wasn't running for a third of the month."

"Yep."

Although I wasn't there, I can assume there was a good 10-second stare-off where my wife gave this open-mouth glare of incredulity, the one I received when I told my wife that I spent $120 at the grocery store after being sent out to get milk.

He then offered up the possibility that running a deep freeze could increase the power bill, sometimes by as much as $20 a month. My wife told him that (a) we did not have a deep freeze and (b) our bill had more than doubled.

"Yeah, but those deep freezes..."

Back to the milk stare.

So that's where they left it. They're right, we're wrong, less power usage sometimes results in 100 percent increases. And they have us in a rather unfortunate situation, because my time of protest can be easily ended by lack of any electrical power.

I will try to fight this battle for a few more days, although it is apparently about as effective as arguing with a cocktail napkin. Perhaps my best bet will be to just cut my losses and pay my bill, even if it is wrong and the power company