THE NEW TV GUIDE

Since I have become a father, I have watched an inordinate amount of public television. It’s not that I park my daughter in front of the TV for hours on end. It’s just that when my daughter and I play, we normally hang out in the bonus room, and Daddy has to have some background noise on. And, if I turn to Sportscenter, my daughter, acting on a genetic gift from her mother, has to change the channel.

So I have watched more PBS in the last year than I did in my previous 20 years combined. Some of the shows are mind-numbingly awful. Others are actually not that bad. I figured I would break down the ones that my daughter seems to enjoy the best, so when you figure you need to spend a few hours parked in front of the television, you’ll know whether even to bother with PBS. (Hint: if you don’t have kids: don’t.)

Barney – Like you, I used to loathe Barney simply on principle. Truth of the matter was that I had never seen the show, so I really was somewhat uninformed. But, now that I have watched Barney a few thousand times, I can say that, in all honesty, Barney is not that bad. Plus, my daughter likes him a lot. When he’s singing, she stands in front of the TV laughing and clapping, so I’m cool with it.

But that’s not to say that I have to like Barney’s friends. The little kids he has on the show are the ones that must be stopped. They try to act like normal, happy children, but they aren’t fooling me. For one thing, no one this side of Gallant is that nice. You just know that when the camera stops rolling, the true nature of the prima donna child actors comes out, with Timmy slamming down amphetamines with a tequila chaser, while sweet little Kristin curses out her agent on a cell phone.

But the show itself is really not that bad. It’s got goofy little songs that kids like, and they teach lessons to my daughter, which means I can just park her in front of the TV and allow Barney and friends to raise her, which really helps me catch up on sleep. For example, today we learned that grandparents are to be loved. Apparently, this is a lesson that must be taught to young children. Maybe there was a rash of grandma-assaults by three-year olds, and this was the only way to stem the epidemic.

Teletubbies – Those little things are just creepy, any way you slice it. (And not creepy in the Fallwellian Tinky-Winky sense. They’re creepy in a traditional, Tammy Faye Bakker sense) I’m not really sure what any of the shows actually talk about, because they apparently speak in a frequency that adults cannot hear. But my daughter just cackles at it. Granted, she also cackles when she drinks water, so she’s a pretty easy audience.

Caillou – If you have never seen this show, I highly recommend you watch it, just so you can develop the same sheer disdain for that little bald Canadian. (And, no, it’s not about Paul Schaeffer.) Caillou is a little four-year-old who (a) whines (b) whines (c) cries and (d) whines some more. This kid is practically a vineyard. And he’s got this disturbingly large bald head. He kinda looks like a rogue water tower, strolling across the TV dial, whining and crying. The opening theme song is the paramount of annoyance, which is good, because I can sing the first few opening lines and my wife will immediately have no choice but to hum the tortuous tune to herself for the rest of the day.

Dragon Tales – This is my favorite of all of the shows. It tells of Emmy and Max, two little kids who have this magic dragon scale that they rub, making dragons fly off the wallpaper and take them into another dimension, a land where dragons live. So they go hang out with these dragons and do stuff, like learn how to do cartwheels or learn what shapes are. I like it because one of the dragons, Wheezie, screams “LOVE IT!!!” in a high-pitched shriek each episode. Now, after repeatedly parroting it to my daughter, she is getting it down pat, which is a fun little thing to start up right as mommy heads off to the grocery store with baby. Nothing like strolling down aisle after aisle as a 14-month old squeals, “LUBBBB IFFFFF!!!!”

Clifford – As most of you know, Clifford is a giant, perhaps radioactive dog. They say that he got that big when his owner, Emily Elizabeth, loved him to much. So, love = increase in size. That explains Elizabeth Taylor. Anywho, Clifford is by far one of the more polite enormous dogs you will meet, and rarely uses his giant stature to do something cool, like crush the shelter that won’t adopt a no-kill policy or mark the local stadium as his territory on gameday. Fine storylines all, but will anyone take my advice? Of course not.

So these are the main shows that we watch. Granted, my daughter only watches for a few minutes at a time until she gets distracted by something else, such as a toy or the air. But it keeps her entertained for at least a little while, I suppose, so it’s not all bad. Plus, it helps me catch up on my sleep.