THE MAGIC OF PLUMBING REPAIR

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When presented recently with two plumbing problems, I think it shows my home improvement prowess that I was able to step up to the plate and make magic happen. It also shows my acute phone dialing skills, since the extent of my effort was calling my home warranty folks.

The first problem was fairly easily diagnosed. A few months back, we had some company staying at the house. I was downstairs as they were getting showered one morning. Using a keen eye and a razor-sharp intellect, I put the following together: (a) Someone was showering in the guest bathroom upstairs and (b) water was streaming from the ceiling, forming a shallow pond in my den. I did the sensible thing. I hollered to my wife, “WE NEED TOWELS DOWNSTAIRS!!!”

That is my knee-jerk reaction any time there is a leak. Put towels down. Sop it up. I am not sure why my initial reaction is not to stop the flow of water, but it is probably because that involves working with pipes and faucets and stuff, and the last time I actively engaged a leaking faucet, I flooded my father-in-law’s kitchen, something that I am  pretty sure he did not like. I base this on the fact that he said, “You are very lucky my daugher is fond of you.”

So as I was screaming like an insane linen salesman to my wife (“TOWELS!!! LOTS AND LOTS OF TOWELS!!!”), she is doing the sensible thing, which is dragging our company from the shower. Or perhaps knocking on the door and asking them to cease filling our house with water. Not sure of her technique.

Eventually, I got the towels, and the mess was sopped up. My wife asked what we should do. “Simple,” I said. “Don’t let anyone shower in there.”

And herein lies the reason it’s good to have two small children. They keep my wife exceptionally busy - busy enough that she actually let that solution stay in place for several months. Our guest bathroom shower was off-limits, mainly because my wife was too busy chasing after children to think about it.

So we were happy as clams, in plumbing denial heaven, when we went to the garage one day and saw a big puddle of water underneath our hot water heater. For some inexplicable reason, I stuck my hand down there.

I have no idea why. I just couldn’t resist. And it was not a smart thing to do, since it comes from something that’s sole purpose is to make water very hot. I don’t know what I thought I was going to gain from putting my hand down in it. Not sure what I thought I would find. (“Honey, it’s OK ? turns out we’ve just got a big puddle of sweet, delicious maple syrup down here!”)

Fortunately, the water was cool to the touch. So I called for a towel.

My wife, meanwhile, said, “Uh, that’s bad.”

I hate it when my wife says, “That’s bad.” In her vocabulary, “bad” means “time consuming” and “costly.” Fortunately, we have a home warranty, which is contract that gives you the peace of mind to pray that your air conditioner will break so you can get a new one. It never does, but it gives you something to hope for. The hot water heater is covered under our warranty, so I put in a call and had someone come out to make magic happen. (I assume it’s magic. Every plumbing repair I have ever attempted has been disastrous, so summoning magical powers s the only way I can see things working.)

When the repairman was at the house fixing the hot water heater, my wife remembered that we had a non-functioning guest shower, so she recommended we have him fix that problem, too. I told her that I COULD fix it, but I didn’t want to cut in on his turf. Turns out, I could have fixed it. Turns out, an above-average possum could have fixed it. A nut had come loose at the top of the shower. With all of the effort of opening a soft drink bottle, our shower was fixed. With slightly more effort (and I assume some magic) our hot water heater was replaced, too.

It is nice to have our plumbing problems behind us. And it’s good that nothing is leaking anymore, because I needed my towels back.