PRESSURE WASH AWAY YOUR BLUES

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My hands hurt. My back is sore. My ears are still ringing. And, man, let me tell you - it is one of the most satisfying feelings in the world.

I spent the better part of my weekend using a pressure washer and I can say without a moment of hesitation that the pressure washer is the single greatest invention mankind has produced or ever will. I decided to rent a pressure washer for the weekend when my deck finally
got to me.

The previous owners of the house painted the deck a deep green color. However, over time, the paint has chipped off, and I now have a deck that resembles the north side of a tree. I tried to sand the deck down, but that didn’t seem to bring the paint off. I tried using some chemicals, but that just made me dizzy. Finally, I decided that problem could only be solved with the raw power of a big daddy pressure washer.

For those of you have never used a pressure washer, let me tell you – it is not for the weak of body or spirit. You are empowered with a pressure washer, empowered with the ability nearly to take your foot off at the ankle. If more Americans were schooled in the art of pressure washing, the world would be a better place. Or, at least, police forces around the country would begin using them as interrogation tools. You could pressure wash a confession out of Mother Theresa.

When I went to get the pressure washer, the guy at the rental place asked me what PSI I wanted. I replied, "Hmmm. What are my choices?" I also rubbed my chin in a thoughtful manner. This reaction, I hoped, would convey that I was a conscientious renter, not the truth, which is that I had no clue what he was talking.

"1500 or 3000."

"Well," I said, placing my hands on my hips and looking skyward in an even
more thoughtful, "I’m planning on washing my deck..."

"So the 3000?"

"You know it!"

(By the way, someone told me that PSI means "Pounds per square inch," but that is clearly a lie, as pounds and square inches are not used to measure water.)

He led me around to the side of the building where the pressure washers lived. He grabbed what was, I’m sure, the pick of the litter, and wheeled it over to my car. He handed me three different valves. "This is the zero valve," he said, pointing to one of them. "Don’t ever use it. It’ll cut the wood on your deck." Now, I don’t know about you, but to me this sounded like
a challenge. Obviously, if he didn’t want me to use it, he wouldn’t have given it to me.

When I got the pressure washer home, I could not wait to fire it up. This thing is basically a big engine on wheels that you attach your hose to. Then, there is a long hose with a spray wand and trigger at the end. Its brilliance is in its simplicity: water goes in, engine gets loud, water
comes out at unbelievably concentrated level. And, of course, once it was running, the first thing I did was put the zero valve on and fire up that bad boy, just to see if he was telling the truth.

He was.

Realizing that I wanted to keep my deck as a unit, I switched to one of the different valves. As I began to zap my deck, I saw the amazing transformation of my brownish-green deck into what looked like new lumber. The improvement was immediate, and was doubly rewarding because I had an engine that was only slightly less loud than a DC-10 at takeoff.

After about five hours, I had completely blasted off my deck and sidewalk, and a substantial part of my lawn. (The lawn part was unintentional. You’d be amazed how much grass can be displaced by a few seconds of pressure washer carelessness.)

Everything looked so shiny and new that I had to share the love. After all, I had this thing for a weekend, and I know a lot of guy’s guys who need to feel the power. Over the weekend, my father pressure washed his deck, my neighbor pressure washed his deck, and my brother-in-law pressure washed everything within a 16-mile radius of his house. Another neighbor was assigned other chores by his wife and couldn’t pressure wash anything at his house. You could see the sadness in his eyes as he sat and stared at the idle pressure washer, knowing that it would not be in his weekend plans.

It was a sad day on Monday when I had to return my new best friend. I think I may rent a pressure washer every few weeks, just because I need the rush. I am sure I can find things that need to be pressure washed. Perhaps my driveway is a little dirty, or perhaps a tree needs debarking. Whatever the reason, I can’t wait until the time arrives that puts us back together. I
just hope the feeling is back in my hands by then.