CAPT. PROBLEMSOLVER TO THE RESCUE

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So my wife and kids went to the beach recently.

On the way back home, there was a crying-child emergency a few counties away, meaning my wife had to pull off on the side of the road. (And, as anyone who has traveled with two small children knows, pulling over because one child is crying will, without doubt, (a) not stop the one from crying and (b) make the other one start crying.

With her double-crying back seat ready, she got back into the car to find that the car no longer, technically, worked. She turned the key, and it had the same effect as if she had stuck a dandelion in the ignition.

Fortunately, my mom was riding back from the beach with them, so there could be a 1:1 adult-to-crying-child ratio.

So, my wife did the sensible thing and called me.

In a time of panic, I like to think I can be counted on. I answered the phone and she told me what had happened. I asked, "So what do you want me to do?"

Now, in retrospect, I realize that the WAY that I said it might have come across with an air of indifference.

I could tell from the silence that she was making that "'Oh, no you didn't' face," so I quickly shifted gears.

"What I mean is, here's what I AM going to do. Stay with the car. I'll call the sheriff's office. And then I'll head that way. Just stay put. I'm here to help, ma'am."

OK, I didn't say that last part, because regardless of how cool and John Wayneish it may have sounded in my head, it would have come across as extremely dorky.

Once I contacted the sheriff's office, I felt confident that they would be able to assist her while I made the hour-or-so trek to where they were.

For one thing, there is a distinct possibility that they would know more about cars than I do.

And to achieve that, they would only have to know a total of one thing.

If I were to be the first one out there, my expertise would be in frowning in a concerned manner with the hood open. I would also frequently say, "Try and turn it over again," as if time heals all car wounds.

As I started their way, it occurred to me that traveling to them was not going to be a good idea, because I have a small car that would not accommodate three adults and two kids in car seats.

I called my sister to see if I could switch cars with her, since her car was more spacious.

She, of course, told me that it would not be a problem, with a small deposit and a mileage fee.

Ha! No, she didn't charge me. (I don't think.) Right as I got to my sister's house, my wife called and said that the officer had shown up, started the car using jumper cables, and they were back on the road.

Hoping it was just a battery problem, I told my wife that, whatever she did, do NOT stop the car.

Of course, the wailing from the back seat should have assured me that nothing was going to stop her from getting home as soon as she could.

Of course, as with everything in my life, nothing goes smoothly.

Even our crises gets unnecessarily complicated.

As we were discussing not turning the car off, my wife said, "I guess I'll have to skip my meeting tonight." Ah, yes. My wife has a chronic case of involvement, and has meetings about every 11 minutes.

The possibility was very real that if she shut off her car it would not start again. So the sensible thing would be for her to take my car, right?

Well, not so sensible to give a five-speed to someone who can't drive a five-speed. (Methinks I will be car shopping very soon.)

So, Capt. Problem Solver to the rescue again.

In a flash, I switched cars with my sister for the evening. I would meet them at home.

My wife would pull in to the driveway, not turn off the car, and hop into my sister's car, possibly Duke-boy style.

I would assume the helm of my wife's car and take my mother home. Then, in the morning, I would switch cars with my sister, and hope that my wife's car was magically better.

Well, believe it or not, everything played out exactly as I had hoped. My wife made her meeting. My sister's car was an ample substitute.

And my wife's car started up fine the next morning, proving that, in fact, time heals all car wounds.