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PUPPY DOG REPAIR

I am definitely a dog person. Don’t get me wrong – I dig my cat, and I have had numerous other pets throughout the years, all of whom were a lot of fun. But dogs by far are number one in my book.

Yet, despite all of the love and adoration I may heap on my dogs, it doesn’t stop them from developing some of the more unappetizing medical conditions. (NOTE TO READERS: Don’t worry. I’m not going to describe in graphic detail all kinds of nasty things. At least not at first. Let’s see how the column goes. If I need a few more paragraphs to fill it out, I can’t be held accountable.)

As you may know, my dogs are Maggie, a fearless Attack Basset, and Montgomery, a pure-bred mutt. They both have individual medical conditions that pop up on a regular basis, and quite frankly, I think they owe it to me to cut it out.

Let’s start with Montgomery. Montgomery is one of the smarter dogs I have come across. If I had the patience to train him, I could easily get him to knock off liquor stores for me. And he is also one of the most dedicated animals on the planet, so I can feel confident that he wouldn’t rat me out if he got caught. As my brother-in-law once said, “Montgomery just wants to be Mike’s dog.” Gotta love it.

Yet, despite this devotion, every year, as the warmer months approach, he turns his devotion to a higher calling – the calling of the scratch. The fleas come a calling’, and he gets a scratchin’. That’s not to say I don’t do everything in my power to keep them away. I yell at the fleas, I cast voodoo curses, and I even do a little dance I learned on the Discovery Channel. Eventually, I get rid of the fleas, but not until they have done a series of flea-bite relief maps all over his body. By the time I realize we’ve got a problem, Montgomery looks like he has decided not to wear pants, which, quite frankly, is more disturbing than you think.

Each time this happens, I take him to the vet, and they give him a shot that apparently stops the itching. Granted, I still have to deal with a half-furless dog, so that’s not a walk in the park. But at least it’s nothing compared to…

…Maggie and her repeated rump issue. This is where I will try and tread as delicately as possible, since some of you may be eating, or may plan to eat in the next few weeks. Every few months, Maggie will begin scooting around the house, rubbing her backside up against anything she can – walls, trees, small children. And she moans this loud wailing cry. After a few seconds of wailing, she backs off of the object and begins chasing the suspect spot on her rear. Now, for those of you not familiar with Basset hounds, I would like you to conduct the following exercise: Go get in your car. Turn your head around so that you can see the trunk of your car. Now try and drive after the trunk of your car. For the full effect, bark loudly while you do it.

Assuming you are back from your car exercise, you will agree that Maggie does not have much more success catching her rear end. Bassets are just not constructed that way. She would have much for success if she set her sights more reasonably, such as trying to start at center for the Lakers.

Every time this happens, I take her to my vet. There, the vet does a very simple, very fast, and very, very, very smelly procedure that involves a latex glove, some lubricant, and me making a face like I just had to sit on Paul Sorvino’s lap in a sauna. One time, the vet told me that she could show me how to do this myself. It costs $8. Folks, if it ain’t worth $8 to have someone else do this, you REALLY need to reassess your budget. NOTE TO MY VET IF SHE’S READING: Kidding, of course. $8 is a perfectly positioned price, and meets the law of doggie rump repair supply and demand.

So, at least both of my dogs are easily mended. I hate to see either of them in pain, because they are my buddies. And to you, kind reader, I hope I haven’t grossed you out too much. And I also hope you did the car exercise in a wide open space.